Dear Kyle Lohse

It’s me, the Mean, the Average, Reality. I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for about a month and a half now, and I’m glad we finally touched base. Now remember: You are a scrubby pitcher and no longer will you grace Shatraw’s team with respectable statistics. Just remember who you are and be true to that. There’s no sense in over-achieving, especially when I do not reap the benefits. Now, back to swimming in my swimming pool full of fantasy dollars.

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But Who Plays Chris Elliot?

It’s Groundhog’s Day apparently, and I’m Bill Murray(Phil Connors). Andie MacDowell’s character, Rita, is of course played by Kyle Lohse. I spend the whole movie trying to convince him that yes, he still is that terrible pitcher from the past. Over and over and over again.

Kyle Lohse has won, again. I just…I’m at a loss here people. I’m not sure if I’m angry at Lohse for succeeding or disappointed that I didn’t take a flier on a completely unreliable starter for a team that some said would lose 90 games. I’ll take the former of the two.

The guy twirled 6 innings, striking out three while allowing four hits and a single base on balls. Why/How? Luck is a strange beast/cruel mistress. My befuddlement is beyond comprehension. Could it really be that Level 11 Wizard Dave Duncan has transformed this mild-mannered scrub into a stealthy, obnoxious Greg Maddux-clone? Only time will tell.

Now, back to sticking pins into my Cliff Lee voodoo doll.

Oh yes, the deal with the title. Chris Elliot’s character (Larry)would be played by Braden Looper.

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Really? Seriously? Yes, another Lohse Post

I’m not sure what to say anymore. Kyle Lohse should at this point be sucking balls to the tune of a 16.00 ERA and a 9.00 WHIP. Why dear god is he already blanking the Brewers and, what’s that, AN RBI SINGLE in this fucking game?

Granted the Brewers aren’t the hottest-hitting team in the universe (all seven of their normal 2-7 hitters are hitting below .270 as we speak), but Jesus criminy. Let’s see, how does a notorious shitbag pitcher end up with these numbers? Today he’s pitching at Miller Park, so he should be shelled. However, let’s note his pitching coach, Dave Duncan. This guy turned Braden Looper into a decent #4 starter. I went looking for pictures of Duncan, but all I could find was this:
Now you may have noticed a change in Duncan’s appearance, but that can be easily explained. When a pitching coach becomes so gifted he can turn a Victor Zambrano into a Johan Santana, he has achieved Elite Wizard Status. In fact, Duncan is such a powerful wizard he transformed Rick Ankiel from a terrible pitcher to a middling-high-power-no-average outfielder! You have to be a level 10 Wizard for that kind of mage-ish bullshit.

Other infamous wizards:

Rick Peterson

Mel Stottlemyre

Leo Mazzone

Also, after this post I promise to write less about the NL Central. Serious.

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It’s Raining DL Slots

Over this very short season, the DL has been lit up like a loose joint smoked by Scott Spiezio as he drives his pick-up truck backwards on the highway.

I drafted two guys (Gallardo, Owens) who were on the DL when the season began. And then my ace pitcher (Bedard) hit it. And then my scrubby closer (Borowski) hit it. And then my waiver closer Pete Moylan hit it. I think on one day I lost Bedard and the two closers, so yeah, I know what pain is.

Meanwhile, Eick’s pitching staff is literally BEGGING to hit the DL. Just last night, Ben Sheets remembered who he was and promptly left the game early with triceps soreness. I watched the game, and while he blanked the shit out of the Reds, he didn’t look like his overpowering self. I see the DL in his future…

Future guys on Eick’s staff destined for disability: AJ Burnett, Randy Johnson, Kerry Wood, and Brett Myers. You may think Myers is a weird pick, but try and tell me converting a starter to a closer BACK to a starter isn’t going to have a negative effect on a guy’s mentality and mechanics. Something will go wrong there. Not saying Eick doesn’t have some back ups, namely James Shields and Gil Meche, but sorry Eick, your goose is cooked. When your offense is comprised of DL stalwarts Troy Glaus, Gary Sheffield, Nick Johnson, Jeremy Hermida, and Joe Crede you have nothing to lean on.

Alfonso Soriano, Howie Kendrick, Jimmy Rollins and J.J. Putz have all been hit by the DL bus, so I’m not the only one missing key elements this early on.

I can’t wait to get my #1 and #3 starters back. I’m not sure how long Lincecum and Cueto can keep my pitching stats respectable…

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The Mighty Lohse Strikes Again

Kyle Lohse is a shitbag. He really is. He was a terrible pitcher for the Minnesota Twins before finding his way onto the Cincinnati Reds. After stinking up that team, he departed for the St. Louis Cardinals, the veritable YMCA of major league teams.

And that’s when the fun began. Last year during the Met’s historic collapse, I went to see a game between the Cards and Mets at Shea. The starting pitcher for the Cards was Lohse, so a victory for the Mets seemed more than likely. Lohse had other ideas.

My dear friend Youppi, a life-long Mets freak, watched his team get NO HIT through 6 innings at least (it might have been 7 innings), prompting him to stand up and scream, “You’re getting no hit by KYLE LOHSE!!! KYLE FUCKING LOHSE!!!”

Now, I love my friend, but this was one of the most absurd pitching performances I’d ever seen. The guy doesn’t have overwhelming stuff, and his last name is pronounced like it should be spelled (Loshe).

Hence my fascination in that he currently BLANKING the Brewers today. Ryan Braun has a single, and everyone’s favorite middling white guy Craig Counsell has the other two hits for the Crew. Ouch. Meanwhile, the Cards have roughed up Manny Parra for 3 runs, with Ryan Ludwick doing most of the damage out of the 5-hole, going 3-3 with a homerun and a run scored.

This begs the question: Who gave Ludwick the right to put up significant fantasy numbers? He’s completely playing out of his head, and that pisses me off. He will regress back to the mean, and life will make a little more sense to me. Lohse’s success is still a mystery.

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It’s the Little Things

According to Stattracker, Rick Ankiel can now add a new chapter to his storied career (alongside wild pitches, butt injections and home runs).

“Ankiel homers to catcher, Pujols scores.”

Something once thought impossible has been achieved. Instead of hitting a home run over the fence in fair territory, Ankiel has found a way to hit the ball to the catcher for a round-tripper! Must be some loophole in the system.

I blame Pedro Feliz.

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KYLE LOHSE!!!

I beat the San Francisco Giant! What the Fletch?!?!?!

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