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Posts Tagged ‘Slanch’

I think everyone who spends their time accumulating make-believe statistics has had this moment, which happened to ME of all people last night:

Me: Hmm…Jermaine Dye has been sucking butt this year. But he did hit a homer the other night…but I’ll bench him tonight. He’s probably still slumping.

Reality: Hi, yeah, you should’ve started Dye. He went 2-4 with a homerun, 2 runs and 2 ribbies.

Me: Fantastic.

Yeah, that jonesing occurred just this past inning. What did I receive instead of that sterling line from Senor Jermaine? Well, a perfectly useless 1-4 night from Matt Stairs. Jones.

Just today, Slanch’s team was graced with a huge jones. Based on John Maine’s career 6.00 ERA at the hands of the Dodgers, Maine rode the pine today on Slanch’s bench. At which point he threw 8 1/3 innings allowing one run and striking out four.

That, my friends, is a jones.

In other news, I picked up Austin Kearns. Sounds pathetic, but with the new ballpark, he can’t be this bad. I chalk it up to a bad month and I still think he’s good for 20 home runs, which should help replace Corey Hart’s absence. And to be honest regarding Hart, I watched a bunch of his games and the only thing more apparent than Ned Yost’s horrible manager’s instinct is that Hart is not hitting for power. He’s hitting for the gaps this year, and after one home run in April I’m pretty sure I’m right. He could be good for 20 home runs, but I see him hitting more doubles this year.

Also, I picked up Jason Bartlett to spell my MI slot when Jeff Kent remembers he’s so old he can’t bend over. Cheap steals at MI is always a good thing, especially when trying to replace Him.

I miss you.

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Feeling great in all of my fantasy worlds today. I am in first in the Head to Head league (although I am getting lambasted by Slanch’s team 8-1 presently), I’m staying strong at the second spot in our Roto league, and I’ve managed to claw third place out of Tristan’s smelly fingers in Fantasy Golf. Things can go wrong very quickly in Fantasy Land, so why don’t we temper our expectations with a look at Mattraw’s team:

Mattraw has had some of the worst luck in the history of the world (this season). After kicking the crap out of everyone the first two weeks, Murphy’s law kicked Mattraw’s junk in the face. Jimmy Rollins, his number one pick, will have missed more than a month of play due to a dessicated ankle. Howie Kendrick is apparently the next Nomar, breaking himself at obnoxious moments. In a bizarre twist of fate, a player COMING BACK from injury screwed Mattraw, as Jeremy Accardo is back to set-up work. With Matt Capps as his sole source of saves, it seems some deal-making will be in the works for team Ricciardi Montalban.

This can/has happened to everyone in our league at some point in time. Dibbes led the way for about half a week and has sunk back to 4th place, still awesome for a guy mired in last place since, like, forever.

I myself suffered through three or four years of 12th to 9th place finishes before finally using strategy the right way to a 3rd place finish last year (damn you, Cockcroft).

Thankfully, I portend there is no way in Hell that Shatraw can win this league again. Ever. There, I said it. Deal.

And:

YOU GOT ZIMMERED!

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Then you should go right ahead and visit this site, where a Barry Zito calculator will tell you how long you’ll have to work at your current profession to reach the zenith that is Barry’s 126 million dollar contract. I’d tell you my results, but a debilitating bout of depression and existential angst prevents me from doing so.

What in the hell in this bastard of a world could cheer me up? How about a picture of a screaming manager that is completely out of context with anything? Okay.

What’s wonderful about this picture? It looks as if Dusty Baker is being attacked by a swarm of invisible bees! What’s more, the umpire seems to have found a remedy to the crisis: By the angle of his leg kick, I think he’s decided to side-arm his scorecard directly in Dusty’s face. Awesome!!!

In other news, Slanch’s team is sticking to the top spot, obviously aided by a weak Monday schedule and a propensity to start his pitchers no matter what. What else could explain his gaudy KO numbers? How about the fact that he’s 50 IP over the limit already. Granted he can easily trade away one of his over-achievers (Olsen, Wolf, Maddux) or shitbag/strikeout maestro Chad Billingsely for some hitting, but whatevs.

I’m feeling for Eick right now. When I joined this league a bunch of years ago, he took the crown. Since then he hasn’t come even close to doing anything. From the start, we tried to prepare him mentally for such disappointment. He’s been in the cellar for quite some time now, and the way I see it, the best he’ll finish is 10th. So, if you have any down-time, check out his blog. At least he can watch his non-baseball hits grow.

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Outside of the fact that my trade bust Frank “Ginormous Head” Thomas was signed by the Oakland A’s and started in the clean-up spot for my wonderful team, not much doin’ today. Also, let me state that Edwin “Shitfinger” Encarnacion now leads the Cincinatti Reds in home runs. I am currently tied for 3rd place (or 4th place, however you want to look at it (I obviously prefer the previous to the latter (the latter making my team all the worse))).

After that excuse to triple-parenthesize the shit out of that paragraph, I must say that I have been receiving abysmal run support for my pitchers. Yovanni Gallardo pitched 7 strong innings, only to receive a single run of support. Granted, Johnny Cueto got roughed up today by the Astros, but still, his previous two starts were worthy of the win. If Dusty Baker could forget the fact that he was Dusty, maybe he wouldn’t be batting Corey Patterson OR Jerry Hairston Jr. (both winners of the “Where Am I Playing Today? Oh, Wait, I Just Struck Out Trophy”) lead-off and could PRODUCE RUNS with his line ups. That would be, well, nice.

Also, Slanch’s team has risen to the top of the league, with Dibbes in at a close second. He’s been helped out by the sterling performances of Chase Utley, Nate McLouth and J.D. Drew. Granted, Drew and McLouth will fall off the charts, as will Justin Upston, Maddux, Jurrjens…whoops, fell asleep trying to cast doubt on the number one team.

Shatraw remains mired in the basement with Eick and Tristan. Tristan’s team just took another blow as one of his closers, Manuel Corpas, has been replaced by the Dibbes’ owned Brian Fuentes. Dibbes now boasts four closers, yum yum yum.

Also, let it be known that scrubby catcher tandem of Mike Napoli and Jeff Mathis have provided the following combined line:

Mathis/Napoli: .240/ 6 R/ 2 HR/ 6 RBI/ 1 SB

That, my friends, is fun.

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