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Posts Tagged ‘Shatraw’

It’s me, the Mean, the Average, Reality. I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for about a month and a half now, and I’m glad we finally touched base. Now remember: You are a scrubby pitcher and no longer will you grace Shatraw’s team with respectable statistics. Just remember who you are and be true to that. There’s no sense in over-achieving, especially when I do not reap the benefits. Now, back to swimming in my swimming pool full of fantasy dollars.

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Feeling great in all of my fantasy worlds today. I am in first in the Head to Head league (although I am getting lambasted by Slanch’s team 8-1 presently), I’m staying strong at the second spot in our Roto league, and I’ve managed to claw third place out of Tristan’s smelly fingers in Fantasy Golf. Things can go wrong very quickly in Fantasy Land, so why don’t we temper our expectations with a look at Mattraw’s team:

Mattraw has had some of the worst luck in the history of the world (this season). After kicking the crap out of everyone the first two weeks, Murphy’s law kicked Mattraw’s junk in the face. Jimmy Rollins, his number one pick, will have missed more than a month of play due to a dessicated ankle. Howie Kendrick is apparently the next Nomar, breaking himself at obnoxious moments. In a bizarre twist of fate, a player COMING BACK from injury screwed Mattraw, as Jeremy Accardo is back to set-up work. With Matt Capps as his sole source of saves, it seems some deal-making will be in the works for team Ricciardi Montalban.

This can/has happened to everyone in our league at some point in time. Dibbes led the way for about half a week and has sunk back to 4th place, still awesome for a guy mired in last place since, like, forever.

I myself suffered through three or four years of 12th to 9th place finishes before finally using strategy the right way to a 3rd place finish last year (damn you, Cockcroft).

Thankfully, I portend there is no way in Hell that Shatraw can win this league again. Ever. There, I said it. Deal.

And:

YOU GOT ZIMMERED!

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Don’t be fooled by the authorship listed above. This is another piece by the less lazy than everyone else in our league Shatraw. It’s early, but he finds himself tucked into the ass of our league in 10th place. Also, showing once again he can still surprise me, he owns Matt Albers!? Perhaps he meant to pick up David Aardsma and mis-clicked? Meanwhile, my team is shifting from second to third to first by the hour, which isn’t a bad place to be at all. Anyways, your semi-weekly guest column:

Remember when you were a kid and there was that fat kid with glasses who had asthma? He always sat at the top of the slide and didn’t go down it until the kid with the rattail pushed him. But then his fat ass had too much surface area and slowed him down and he got stuck half way down the slide and started crying and snotting all over the slide until one of the teachers came and helped him down?

Well, that kid grew up to be Andruw Jones ’08.

I’ve always hated Andruw jones because:

A) he was an Atlanta Brave
B) he changed the pronunciation of his first name at least twice — although some historians claim it to have been a dozen or more
C) he strikes out like he gets residuals for striking out
D) he went from being a Brave to an LA Dodger

Let’s examine the catastrophe that is Andruw Jones this season.

Before he drew a walk with the bases chucked in the 10 run first inning of the 4/26/08 Dodgers Rockies game, his stat line was as follows:

10r / 1hr / 3rbi / 0sb / .169

I just farted one of the worst smelling farts in history. My fart took one look at those numbers and promptly left the room, gasping from the statistical stench. I don’t care if it’s only April. That’s abysmal. Here are a list of fantasy hitters on waivers in our incredibly deep league who carry more statistical more value:

* Jay Payton OF, BAL (7r / 2hr / 5rbi / 3sb / .306)
* Chris Coste C, PHI (4r / 2hr / 7rbi / 0sb / .406)
* Ross Gload 1B/OF, KC (6r / 0hr / 5rbi / 1sb / .281)
* Jack Hannahan 3B, OAK (6r / 1hr / 7rbi / 0sb / .185)

AND OF COURSE…

* Willie Harris OF, WAS (8r / 0hr / 3rbi / 0sb / .156)

If this were real baseball, one would have to pay Andruw Jones $14,726,910 for his 2008 services. Let’s break that down. So far, Jones has earned around $2,090,857 for his services (23 games at almost $91,000/game). That breaks down further into: $209,085.70 per run he’s scored. Or $696,952.33 per ribbie. Or my personal favorite: one $2mil home run! What a fucking scrub.

Here’s a fun fact: the above players could have all been signed for 2008 for a mere $7,910,000 — about 60% of Jones’ 2008 salary. And most of that figure is thanks to Jay Payton’s $5mil a year. It’s not that anyone really wants those guys — Payton as a 4th OF maybe and Coste’s Disneyfied “I’m a 33 year old rookie” bullshit might put a few butts in seats — but still…

Of course, it’s not Druw’s fault. His latest excuse is the gem of all gems. It goes something like this:

“Allergies have been killing me,” he said last week. “My body is achy. This time (of year), it always comes in.”

Great, so not only are you fat as fuck now, but you’re dumb as shit. Fourteen million dollars can buy a lot a Claritin, Andruw. In fact, if I still lived in LA, I’d go to the pharmacy and buy you some myself. Then, I’d take it out of the box, put a 3lb weight into the box, fart into the box, seal it tight, buy an overpriced ticket to a Dodgers game, wait 45 minutes to park, get to my OF seat, take the aforementioned and newly weighted box and throw it at your fucking skull.

We all knew Jones was doomed this season when he showed up to spring training even more grossly overweight than has been normal for the last two years. Even the man-boobed Joe Torre was heard to remark: “He’s fat.” And Joe is right. Andruw Jones, you are 260lbs of suck. I think David Wells now has the right to take the fork out of your hand.

What, me hungy?
In other news, for a fun database of pro baseball player salaries, check it.

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Outside of the fact that my trade bust Frank “Ginormous Head” Thomas was signed by the Oakland A’s and started in the clean-up spot for my wonderful team, not much doin’ today. Also, let me state that Edwin “Shitfinger” Encarnacion now leads the Cincinatti Reds in home runs. I am currently tied for 3rd place (or 4th place, however you want to look at it (I obviously prefer the previous to the latter (the latter making my team all the worse))).

After that excuse to triple-parenthesize the shit out of that paragraph, I must say that I have been receiving abysmal run support for my pitchers. Yovanni Gallardo pitched 7 strong innings, only to receive a single run of support. Granted, Johnny Cueto got roughed up today by the Astros, but still, his previous two starts were worthy of the win. If Dusty Baker could forget the fact that he was Dusty, maybe he wouldn’t be batting Corey Patterson OR Jerry Hairston Jr. (both winners of the “Where Am I Playing Today? Oh, Wait, I Just Struck Out Trophy”) lead-off and could PRODUCE RUNS with his line ups. That would be, well, nice.

Also, Slanch’s team has risen to the top of the league, with Dibbes in at a close second. He’s been helped out by the sterling performances of Chase Utley, Nate McLouth and J.D. Drew. Granted, Drew and McLouth will fall off the charts, as will Justin Upston, Maddux, Jurrjens…whoops, fell asleep trying to cast doubt on the number one team.

Shatraw remains mired in the basement with Eick and Tristan. Tristan’s team just took another blow as one of his closers, Manuel Corpas, has been replaced by the Dibbes’ owned Brian Fuentes. Dibbes now boasts four closers, yum yum yum.

Also, let it be known that scrubby catcher tandem of Mike Napoli and Jeff Mathis have provided the following combined line:

Mathis/Napoli: .240/ 6 R/ 2 HR/ 6 RBI/ 1 SB

That, my friends, is fun.

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It was awful, ten dollars for a piece-of-crap tool that I will use only to show its flaws to the outside world!!! The world must know!!!

Or, the world must know until Yahoo realizes I’m taking screenshots of service and they threaten to destroy my blog. I know I’m important, I’ve got a target on my back bigger than Joe Borowski’s ERA.

Speaking of which, see you later Joey. Also, please don’t take it personally when I demand that you place your balls in a vice and squeeze appropriately.

As everyone expected, Borowski collapsed. Hilariously, after allowing THREE HOME RUNS in FOUR INNINGS, his manager Eric Wedge refused to say that he lost the job, even when he’s back from his “injury.” What a fucking maniac.

Well, really, he’s my kind of maniac as I still own Borowski, and he’s now on the DL. What’s fun is that Gallardo will be coming off the DL soon, so I can switch those A-holes around without dropping anyone (Kevin Correia, I love you (Don’t you screw me tonight, Kev)). Meanwhile, I own Raphael Betancourt, J-Bor’s heir apparent. What, you really think I’m stupid enough to draft that guy without his handcuff? As long as Masa Kobayashi (he of the 200 or so saves in Japan) doesn’t spoil my fun, I have the saves covered.

More soon concerning my team’s rise from 12th to 5th place, and how I’ve already proven Shatraw’s prediction wrong (my team never rising above 6th place). Fun.

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My name is Kyle Lohse, touch my baby

I beat the San Francisco Giant! What the Fletch?!?!?!

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Crazy trade action last night.  When looking at my team, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I just had no power whatsoever at some positions.  My catcher Carlos Ruiz was so league average it fucking killed me, and frankly I was sick of playing Pedro Feliz EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK (I love you Pedro, please hit more homers).

So I decided to use my quality trade chip, also known as George Sherrill.  Sherrill’s great because he’s started so hot, leading the league in saves for the lowly Orioles.  Meanwhile, since I’ve picked up Pete Moylan, I have four closers.  Did I mention I also own Heath Bell, potential successor of Trevor Hoffman when he implodes?  Closer is not an issue for me.

Eick had been interested in George Sherrill earlier in the week, but sent me more of his ridiculously lop-sided trades.  Instead of just asking for Sherrill, he tried to poach James Loney as well.  If you read this week’s Guestly Column, you’ll see that Shatraw doesn’t really like Loney.  Hmm, what say you player note?

Apr 12 1B James Loney extended his career-high hitting streak to 10 games with a solo home run in the sixth inning, his second of the season. Loney has hit safely in 18 of his past 19 games dating to last season and has a .373 average (28-for-75) during that stretch.”

Yeah, sounds like a real major league pretender, right?  Yeah…no.  He’s legit, and I’m gonna covet the living hell out of his sweet left-handed swing.

Sorry, off topic there.  Lucas shot me a tentative offer for Sherrill, and I shot it down.  But I liked the idea, because he offered me a catcher.  I wondered, who else could I get for my Georgey?

At approximately 10pm Central time, after talks on the phone and last second tinkering, I landed not only the Angel’s low-average high-power Mike Napoli at catcher, but the FUCKIN BIG HURT for my UTIL slot!!!

Hot dog!  In four days (the amount of time Cockcroft the Commish set for trades to process, cough, lame) I no longer have to start BOTH Pedro Feliz and Edwin Encarnacion, but pick between those bags of crap!  I am free to start my catcher without an ounce of shame!

Also, I guarantee Eick bitches about this trade, “Because I offered you sooooo much, dude, you’re an idiot,” blah blah blah, shut up Eick.  I love this trade.  Awesome.

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