My Sickness and How It Effects Those Around Me

You’ve read all of the tired columns by fantasy sportswriters talking about how their wives/girlfriends/pets/inanimate objects HATE fantasy sports. Well, I’ll try to spice things up by, you know, doing the same thing. While one might argue that I am in fact “not spicing it up,” I’d like you to reflect on the idea of “spicing anything up.” It kind of makes me angrier everytime I type it.

Anyways, I do indeed have a girlfriend, and yes, we live together. To spice everything up to a point once though impossible in the realm of spiciness, she doesn’t relegate me to the basement and call me an asshole for my love of fantasy. We don’t have a basement, so no spice there. Presently, she is travelling in India, so no doubt we keep in contact over the phone. How about a conversation we had over the phone the other day, in shortened form.

Me: Holy crap I miss you.

GF: Yeah, me too? How’s your fantasy team doing?

Me: What?

GF: Your fantasy team? You know, the thing you won’t shut up about, ever?

Me: Who are you? Please put my girlfriend on the phone.

GF: I really am worried about how Edwin Encarnacion will pan out this…cough (voice lowers) this year.

Me: Hey, you’re not my girlfriend! Who in the name of all things spicy is this?!

GF: Sorry, it’s me, Pedro.

Me: Pedro Martinez?

GF: No, just Feliz. Please don’t drop me, my numbers will pick up…(I hang up)

All spiciness aside, my girlfriend is as tolerant as you can imagine. This takes into account the following:

1. I am aware of my shallow nature
2. In no way do I view my league as a bunch of ultra-hip-better-than-you dudes. We are all pathetic, equally (besides Eick).
3. If it ever came down to it, I would choose not severing a body part over fantasy baseball (unless the scenario was brought up in the movie Four Rooms, and Quentin Tarantino is going to chop my finger off)

So yeah, she’s down, but I think she wishes I studied for my GRE’s more than I tried to project Eric Brunlett’s 2008 numbers if he played all of his games on the Moon.

Read Full Post »

It’s the Little Things

According to Stattracker, Rick Ankiel can now add a new chapter to his storied career (alongside wild pitches, butt injections and home runs).

“Ankiel homers to catcher, Pujols scores.”

Something once thought impossible has been achieved. Instead of hitting a home run over the fence in fair territory, Ankiel has found a way to hit the ball to the catcher for a round-tripper! Must be some loophole in the system.

I blame Pedro Feliz.

Read Full Post »

Big Hurt Pimpin’

Crazy trade action last night.  When looking at my team, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I just had no power whatsoever at some positions.  My catcher Carlos Ruiz was so league average it fucking killed me, and frankly I was sick of playing Pedro Feliz EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK (I love you Pedro, please hit more homers).

So I decided to use my quality trade chip, also known as George Sherrill.  Sherrill’s great because he’s started so hot, leading the league in saves for the lowly Orioles.  Meanwhile, since I’ve picked up Pete Moylan, I have four closers.  Did I mention I also own Heath Bell, potential successor of Trevor Hoffman when he implodes?  Closer is not an issue for me.

Eick had been interested in George Sherrill earlier in the week, but sent me more of his ridiculously lop-sided trades.  Instead of just asking for Sherrill, he tried to poach James Loney as well.  If you read this week’s Guestly Column, you’ll see that Shatraw doesn’t really like Loney.  Hmm, what say you player note?

“Apr 12 1B James Loney extended his career-high hitting streak to 10 games with a solo home run in the sixth inning, his second of the season. Loney has hit safely in 18 of his past 19 games dating to last season and has a .373 average (28-for-75) during that stretch.”

Yeah, sounds like a real major league pretender, right?  Yeah…no.  He’s legit, and I’m gonna covet the living hell out of his sweet left-handed swing.

Sorry, off topic there.  Lucas shot me a tentative offer for Sherrill, and I shot it down.  But I liked the idea, because he offered me a catcher.  I wondered, who else could I get for my Georgey?

At approximately 10pm Central time, after talks on the phone and last second tinkering, I landed not only the Angel’s low-average high-power Mike Napoli at catcher, but the FUCKIN BIG HURT for my UTIL slot!!!

Hot dog!  In four days (the amount of time Cockcroft the Commish set for trades to process, cough, lame) I no longer have to start BOTH Pedro Feliz and Edwin Encarnacion, but pick between those bags of crap!  I am free to start my catcher without an ounce of shame!

Also, I guarantee Eick bitches about this trade, “Because I offered you sooooo much, dude, you’re an idiot,” blah blah blah, shut up Eick.  I love this trade.  Awesome.

Read Full Post »

Young Daric

Daric Barton has been around for a tiny, infinitesimally small amount of time in these Major Leagues. For a month at the end of last season, young Daric played in 18 games. He hit 9 doubles and 4 homeruns, scoring 16 runs and driving in 8. Not bad, huh? Oh yeah, his walks to KO rate? How about 10 walks to 11 strike outs?

I see room for improvement. Maybe he strokes 20 to 25 homeruns this year, more in the future possibly. The best part is the run potential. With his walks, I could see him scoring 90 runs hitting from the 3-hole.

And why does he spell his name like this?

Blame Pedro Feliz.

Read Full Post »

Here I Sit

Broken hearted. Also, I still own Pedro Feliz. Woof.

It seems as if every single time I have someone in position for an RBI, they choke and strike out. Manny Ramirez has been up three times with the bases loaded already.

How many times has the dependable and quirky outfielder come through.

Never.

He’s not the only offender. Recently, I’ve had to go Daric Barton to get a fucking RBI. These are dire straits, man, dire straits.

In case you were wondering, Pedro Feliz currently resides in my UT spot in my league. He’s giving the usual performance, maybe a ribby and a run with a .200 average. Fun.

Meanwhile, my pitching is lights on. Meaning it is mediocre/terrible. And if it is good, there is no run support. Go to it, young Lincecum, go to it!!!

Read Full Post »

Today was already Yesterday

Wonderful.  I just remembered that I owned Pedro Feliz.

Sigh.

Read Full Post »