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Posts Tagged ‘obligatory willie harris mention’

Don’t be fooled by the authorship listed above. This is another piece by the less lazy than everyone else in our league Shatraw. It’s early, but he finds himself tucked into the ass of our league in 10th place. Also, showing once again he can still surprise me, he owns Matt Albers!? Perhaps he meant to pick up David Aardsma and mis-clicked? Meanwhile, my team is shifting from second to third to first by the hour, which isn’t a bad place to be at all. Anyways, your semi-weekly guest column:

Remember when you were a kid and there was that fat kid with glasses who had asthma? He always sat at the top of the slide and didn’t go down it until the kid with the rattail pushed him. But then his fat ass had too much surface area and slowed him down and he got stuck half way down the slide and started crying and snotting all over the slide until one of the teachers came and helped him down?

Well, that kid grew up to be Andruw Jones ’08.

I’ve always hated Andruw jones because:

A) he was an Atlanta Brave
B) he changed the pronunciation of his first name at least twice — although some historians claim it to have been a dozen or more
C) he strikes out like he gets residuals for striking out
D) he went from being a Brave to an LA Dodger

Let’s examine the catastrophe that is Andruw Jones this season.

Before he drew a walk with the bases chucked in the 10 run first inning of the 4/26/08 Dodgers Rockies game, his stat line was as follows:

10r / 1hr / 3rbi / 0sb / .169

I just farted one of the worst smelling farts in history. My fart took one look at those numbers and promptly left the room, gasping from the statistical stench. I don’t care if it’s only April. That’s abysmal. Here are a list of fantasy hitters on waivers in our incredibly deep league who carry more statistical more value:

* Jay Payton OF, BAL (7r / 2hr / 5rbi / 3sb / .306)
* Chris Coste C, PHI (4r / 2hr / 7rbi / 0sb / .406)
* Ross Gload 1B/OF, KC (6r / 0hr / 5rbi / 1sb / .281)
* Jack Hannahan 3B, OAK (6r / 1hr / 7rbi / 0sb / .185)

AND OF COURSE…

* Willie Harris OF, WAS (8r / 0hr / 3rbi / 0sb / .156)

If this were real baseball, one would have to pay Andruw Jones $14,726,910 for his 2008 services. Let’s break that down. So far, Jones has earned around $2,090,857 for his services (23 games at almost $91,000/game). That breaks down further into: $209,085.70 per run he’s scored. Or $696,952.33 per ribbie. Or my personal favorite: one $2mil home run! What a fucking scrub.

Here’s a fun fact: the above players could have all been signed for 2008 for a mere $7,910,000 — about 60% of Jones’ 2008 salary. And most of that figure is thanks to Jay Payton’s $5mil a year. It’s not that anyone really wants those guys — Payton as a 4th OF maybe and Coste’s Disneyfied “I’m a 33 year old rookie” bullshit might put a few butts in seats — but still…

Of course, it’s not Druw’s fault. His latest excuse is the gem of all gems. It goes something like this:

“Allergies have been killing me,” he said last week. “My body is achy. This time (of year), it always comes in.”

Great, so not only are you fat as fuck now, but you’re dumb as shit. Fourteen million dollars can buy a lot a Claritin, Andruw. In fact, if I still lived in LA, I’d go to the pharmacy and buy you some myself. Then, I’d take it out of the box, put a 3lb weight into the box, fart into the box, seal it tight, buy an overpriced ticket to a Dodgers game, wait 45 minutes to park, get to my OF seat, take the aforementioned and newly weighted box and throw it at your fucking skull.

We all knew Jones was doomed this season when he showed up to spring training even more grossly overweight than has been normal for the last two years. Even the man-boobed Joe Torre was heard to remark: “He’s fat.” And Joe is right. Andruw Jones, you are 260lbs of suck. I think David Wells now has the right to take the fork out of your hand.

What, me hungy?
In other news, for a fun database of pro baseball player salaries, check it.

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