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Posts Tagged ‘Mike Hampton IS the DL’

This is fake, right?  This is like a high school yearbook pic with a fake border?

This is fake, right? This is like a high school yearbook pic with a fake border?

Derek Lowe just signed a four-year $60 million dollar contract with the Atlanta Braves.  Their rotation now includes Javier Vazquez, that Kawakami guy from Japan, Jair Jurgggggens and Phil Neikro (103 years old, and the knuckler still works!).  People seem dubious of this signing, but I don’t think it’s that bad of a fit.  Do you know how you get a sweet 60 milly?

By being one of the most durable pitchers in the game.  By starting at least 32 times in the past seven seasons.  By owning an ERA of 3.24 with a WHIP of 1.13 last season.  By having a sub-4.00 ERA the past four seasons since entering the senior league.  He’s got a career ERA+ of 122, which makes him an above average pitcher if your glasses are constantly falling off your face and you own multiple pocket protectors.  For fantasy purposes, Derek Lowe is one of those hidden gems in the mid-to-low rounds who provides great ratios and is seemingly never hurt.  I like.

He fits perfectly into this rotation.  And by perfectly I mean the Braves will potentially have an all-right-handed rotation, which is nothing if not predictable.  With Charlie Morton and Jorge Campillo (yikes) fighting for the fifth spot, there will be little variation to the theme.  Oh well, at least they can depend on the solid play of Jeff Franceour to…never mind.  Remember Andruw Jones?  Double-yikes.  This team will be okay, especially if Kelly Johnson can get hit batting average up and Chipper Jones’s voodoo doll isn’t being stuck by a certain defensively over-rated third basemen from the New York Mets.  Will they win the East?  Probably not, especially if they don’t re-sign Julio Franco.  Will Derek Lowe make a big difference?  Yeah, I’d say he gives them some much needed stability that certain aging men (Smoltz, Hudson) could not seem to shoulder.  Terrible pun.  Just.  Terrible.

Then again, he is just a big bulky white guy one shoulder-snap away from the hallowed trenches of Atlanta’s Disabled List, permanent home of Mike Hampton. I don’t care that the Astros signed Mike Hampton. They will be confused when he doesn’t show up to training camp. They will soon find out he’s taken his wounded obliques back to Hotlanta.

THIS IS MIKE HAMPTONS HOUSE.  NO PAIN-FREE PERSONS ALLOWED

THIS IS MIKE HAMPTON'S HOUSE. NO PAIN-FREE PERSONS ALLOWED

He will always be on the Braves DL in my mind. Always.

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