Posts Tagged ‘Master Prognosticator’

Every spring we get our draft boards ready and rub our hands together as if the friction represents how much we want to win/destroy our friend’s sporting livelihoods. At least I rub my hands together, and if I’m sporting a handlebar mustache, I may give it an evil twirl. I mean, what better to do when trying to figure out if Alex Gordon will be Alex Gordon or “The Royals Entire Future on One White Man’s Shoulders.” I choose the former. Some of my league-mates will disagree.

Here is my completely arbitrary list of future missteps my league-mates will make regarding talent next season. Enjoy!

1. Cockcroft- Remember that Alex Gordon fellow? I have a feeling he’ll end up on Cock’s team once again. He’s the epitome of Cockcroft’s drafting strategy, which involves grabbing the best guys on paper and looking great going into the season. The season begins, and Cockcroft is in the basement. He does find his way out eventually, but Alex Gordon has the high-upside that Cockcroft digs, especially after two lame-duck seasons which see his value dip to all-time low in the high teens/low twenties. That is, if he doesn’t completely fail next year.

2. Tristan- Carlos Delgado. Or Moises Alou. Or Fernando Tatis. You get the picture. Home team bias is the name of the game for Tristan, and it doesn’t matter if you’re old/broken, a scrubby Utility OF/IF, or if your name is fucking Billy Crystal. If you’re Billy Crystal, and you’re wearing a Mets uniform, Tristan will draft in the last two or three rounds, citing your potential to steal and score runs in the Met’s “potent” line up.

3. Shatraw- After this year’s “over-balanced team” debacle, Shatraw will draft pure power hitters and pitchers. Someone along the lines of Ryan Howard, Lance Berkman or Ryan Braun. Eric Byrnes is a thing of the past, a figment of his Traw-magination. He’ll end up getting short-changed on pitchers, though, drafting John Lackey in the 6th round as his ace. Mark my words.

4. Zegen- He will reach for Jeter in the fourth round. Again. This one is too easy. If not Jeter, then Cano. And when you try and pull a trade in the second half, Zegen will speak of Cano’s tendency to heat up Adam Laroche-style as the summer grows old. Jeter is nothing but the poster child for mediocre shortstop in real life/mediocre fantasy shortstop in fantasyland. Seriously. Jose Lopez is having a better season than Jeter. But he isn’t dating Jessica Biel, is he?

5. Shanks – Shanks loves his solid power guys, so I have him taking a 5th round shot at a drastically under-valued Travis Hafner. Either that or his usual solid Jack Cust pick that guarantees him a .200 BA and 25 homers in the 19th round.

6. Slanch – Dortiz. No matter what. Or Jason Bay. Although quite the deluded Red Sox fan, he will not bite on your Varitek garbage. He’ll probably end up taking Dustin Pedroia in a second round reach, to be honest. Gotta love that slap-happy swing.

7. Eick – Ryan Zimmerman, early third round. As you can see, a decent amount of owners in our league are geographically biased. Eick in DC, Shanks outside of Oakland, Tristan in NYC, Menaker…you get the picture. Eick loves this guys upside, injury problems or not. At this price, it would be a bargain, as long as he doesn’t get the dreaded Shawn Hill-disease (wherein your body is always hurt in relation to your team being awful and giving a roster spot to Belliard).

8. Dubie – Here are Dubie’s first 5 picks if everything falls the right way. J. Santana, J. Peavy, D. Haren, Manny Ramirez, Aaron Harang. Dubie loves pitching. Loves it. His penchant for hoarding endgame closers (Brian Wilson among others) is notorious. So I’d also conservatively say he grabs Joel Zumaya in the 20th round.

9. Lucas – Easy. Unless I get him, Carlos Lee in the beginning of the second round. If not, I guarantee a second round Justin Morneau. I just have a feeling, you’ll have to go with me on this one.

10. Mattraw – Having been spurned by a J Roll, Matt will avoid pricey middle infielders and opt for pricey OF’s instead. I see him grabbing Carlos Beltran in the second round. First round he could go with a risky Johan Santana grab, but perhaps this year’s humbling experience in the basement will see him take less chances. On the other hand, I see him reaching at least 4 rounds to get Matt Kemp at any cost.

11. Dibbes – He’ll go home run crazy due to this season’s crippling bomber drought. I see a 2nd round Texeira and a 7th round Jermaine Dye in his future…

12. Me – I will once again reach for the stars…and end up grabbing Andre Ethier about 5 rounds too early. Love him for next year if Torre can get all of the Juan Pierre slapped out him. Meanwhile, I’ll probably make a run at Kevin Slowey and get burned when he turns into Glen Perkins.

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