Posts Tagged ‘Los Angeles Dodgers’

After suffering through a number of serious mental health maladies related to my team and its inherent sucktitude, I’m back!  And so is my team, currently battling for 3rd place.  The league is so tight, that within a week I could probably be back in 10th place, but I refuse to accept the chaos of an unknown future and instead choose an optimistic, half-retarded future that involves me winning the league and/or beating Matt Berry in a Feel Sorry For Me Competition.

Not like anyone actually reads this thing anymore, but a few things have changed:


I made three semi-blockbuster trades, one of which has already blown up in my face (huzzah!)

Firstly, I was offered Brandon Phillips and Andrew Miller for Erik Bedard and Johnny Cueto.  It did not take me long to click accept on this trade.  Bedard won’t pitch until 2011, and Cueto is, well, Cueto.  Phillips has been okay, and Miller I dropped, but I still think I got the better end of this deal.

Secondly, I decided that Manny had to go.  I believed that his old Manny body would break down eventually.  I had the same thought with Kent.  He’s old.  After shopping him for weeks, I finally received Tim Hudson, Mike Gonzalez and Bobby Crosby for Manny Ram, Jeff Kent and Scott Downs.  Yes, I was raped in this trade, but Huddy’s actually trying to pitch through a ligament tear.  Dude’s a fucking gamer!  And Kent is still semi-broken, and who needs Scott Downs when I could pick up Ron Mahay?  Anywho, Gonzalez hasn’t gotten a chance to close in four years, and Manny has played well (but infrequently).  Hopefully hanging out with Andruw “The Curse” Jones won’t rub off on him the wrong way.

And thirdly, after picking up wunderchild Mike Aviles, I realized Pedroia was at the peak of his value for the season.  He was hitting at a bananas rate, something like .450 over a one-and-half-month period.  That’s fucking hitting.  I nabbed not only Ocab to fill in my SS hole, but John Danks for Pedroia and Andy Sonnanstine.  I feel like time will bear this one out, but I love having Ocab’s steals and runs.

Pick Up’s

I love vulturing people off the waiver wire.  Real good times, especially since Eick and Mattraw pitch a hissy because they “weren’t at their computers” when a new Tigers closer was announced (Rodney, got him!).  A lesson to them: You should always be at your computers, at all times.  Lord knows you couldn’t separate me from this thing with a backhoe.  Yeah.  Anyways, I grabbed the aforementioned Aviles, Billy Butler, Ty Wigginton, and Jerry Hairston, Jr to help fill out my line-up card.  Gotta love the multi-position eligibility.

Another reason I grabbed multi-position players is because I have 3 moves left on waivers.  That’s it.  Three.  I figure I don’t have much wiggle room left anyway, as I’ve been wiggling ever since Yovanni Gallardo and Furcal hit the DL for good.

Speaking of the DL, the Big Hurt just came off it and I’m chancing it by starting him tonight, hoping he can nail one of Wakefield’s errant Wuss…I mean, knucklers out of the park.  Cheap power is good power.

Also, John Lennon did not say “Cranberry Sauce” at the end of Strawberry Fields Forever.  He’s clearly saying, “Paul (Konerko) is dead.”

It’s true.

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I think everyone who spends their time accumulating make-believe statistics has had this moment, which happened to ME of all people last night:

Me: Hmm…Jermaine Dye has been sucking butt this year. But he did hit a homer the other night…but I’ll bench him tonight. He’s probably still slumping.

Reality: Hi, yeah, you should’ve started Dye. He went 2-4 with a homerun, 2 runs and 2 ribbies.

Me: Fantastic.

Yeah, that jonesing occurred just this past inning. What did I receive instead of that sterling line from Senor Jermaine? Well, a perfectly useless 1-4 night from Matt Stairs. Jones.

Just today, Slanch’s team was graced with a huge jones. Based on John Maine’s career 6.00 ERA at the hands of the Dodgers, Maine rode the pine today on Slanch’s bench. At which point he threw 8 1/3 innings allowing one run and striking out four.

That, my friends, is a jones.

In other news, I picked up Austin Kearns. Sounds pathetic, but with the new ballpark, he can’t be this bad. I chalk it up to a bad month and I still think he’s good for 20 home runs, which should help replace Corey Hart’s absence. And to be honest regarding Hart, I watched a bunch of his games and the only thing more apparent than Ned Yost’s horrible manager’s instinct is that Hart is not hitting for power. He’s hitting for the gaps this year, and after one home run in April I’m pretty sure I’m right. He could be good for 20 home runs, but I see him hitting more doubles this year.

Also, I picked up Jason Bartlett to spell my MI slot when Jeff Kent remembers he’s so old he can’t bend over. Cheap steals at MI is always a good thing, especially when trying to replace Him.

I miss you.

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Don’t be fooled by the authorship listed above. This is another piece by the less lazy than everyone else in our league Shatraw. It’s early, but he finds himself tucked into the ass of our league in 10th place. Also, showing once again he can still surprise me, he owns Matt Albers!? Perhaps he meant to pick up David Aardsma and mis-clicked? Meanwhile, my team is shifting from second to third to first by the hour, which isn’t a bad place to be at all. Anyways, your semi-weekly guest column:

Remember when you were a kid and there was that fat kid with glasses who had asthma? He always sat at the top of the slide and didn’t go down it until the kid with the rattail pushed him. But then his fat ass had too much surface area and slowed him down and he got stuck half way down the slide and started crying and snotting all over the slide until one of the teachers came and helped him down?

Well, that kid grew up to be Andruw Jones ’08.

I’ve always hated Andruw jones because:

A) he was an Atlanta Brave
B) he changed the pronunciation of his first name at least twice — although some historians claim it to have been a dozen or more
C) he strikes out like he gets residuals for striking out
D) he went from being a Brave to an LA Dodger

Let’s examine the catastrophe that is Andruw Jones this season.

Before he drew a walk with the bases chucked in the 10 run first inning of the 4/26/08 Dodgers Rockies game, his stat line was as follows:

10r / 1hr / 3rbi / 0sb / .169

I just farted one of the worst smelling farts in history. My fart took one look at those numbers and promptly left the room, gasping from the statistical stench. I don’t care if it’s only April. That’s abysmal. Here are a list of fantasy hitters on waivers in our incredibly deep league who carry more statistical more value:

* Jay Payton OF, BAL (7r / 2hr / 5rbi / 3sb / .306)
* Chris Coste C, PHI (4r / 2hr / 7rbi / 0sb / .406)
* Ross Gload 1B/OF, KC (6r / 0hr / 5rbi / 1sb / .281)
* Jack Hannahan 3B, OAK (6r / 1hr / 7rbi / 0sb / .185)


* Willie Harris OF, WAS (8r / 0hr / 3rbi / 0sb / .156)

If this were real baseball, one would have to pay Andruw Jones $14,726,910 for his 2008 services. Let’s break that down. So far, Jones has earned around $2,090,857 for his services (23 games at almost $91,000/game). That breaks down further into: $209,085.70 per run he’s scored. Or $696,952.33 per ribbie. Or my personal favorite: one $2mil home run! What a fucking scrub.

Here’s a fun fact: the above players could have all been signed for 2008 for a mere $7,910,000 — about 60% of Jones’ 2008 salary. And most of that figure is thanks to Jay Payton’s $5mil a year. It’s not that anyone really wants those guys — Payton as a 4th OF maybe and Coste’s Disneyfied “I’m a 33 year old rookie” bullshit might put a few butts in seats — but still…

Of course, it’s not Druw’s fault. His latest excuse is the gem of all gems. It goes something like this:

“Allergies have been killing me,” he said last week. “My body is achy. This time (of year), it always comes in.”

Great, so not only are you fat as fuck now, but you’re dumb as shit. Fourteen million dollars can buy a lot a Claritin, Andruw. In fact, if I still lived in LA, I’d go to the pharmacy and buy you some myself. Then, I’d take it out of the box, put a 3lb weight into the box, fart into the box, seal it tight, buy an overpriced ticket to a Dodgers game, wait 45 minutes to park, get to my OF seat, take the aforementioned and newly weighted box and throw it at your fucking skull.

We all knew Jones was doomed this season when he showed up to spring training even more grossly overweight than has been normal for the last two years. Even the man-boobed Joe Torre was heard to remark: “He’s fat.” And Joe is right. Andruw Jones, you are 260lbs of suck. I think David Wells now has the right to take the fork out of your hand.

What, me hungy?
In other news, for a fun database of pro baseball player salaries, check it.

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