Sure, it’s only one week into the season, but I think it’s pretty clear that baseball hates me and that fantasy baseball has forsaken me.
Fresh off drafting a strong-hitting weak-pitching team, my team has proceeded to neither hit nor pitch in any sort of efficient manner. Let’s look at some of the worst culprits:
Round 1: Ryan Braun, Passover seems to have completely sapped the ability of the new Hebrew Hammer, he’s started the season 6/30 with 2 runs, 2 rbis and 2 steals, no homers. Great. I’d drop him but yahoo won’t let me. FUCK!
Round 2: Lance Berkman started last season with 8 hrs, and hitting nearly .300, his September numbers included a .171 average, wanna guess which he’s doing now? Great, you suck Berkman.
Round 3: Brandon Phillips, you haven’t been awful, and your .286 avg is nice, but you suck as the cleanup hitter and I desperately want Dusty to take you out of that role. Phillips doesn’t like it, he said he doesn’t like it, but Dusty keeps putting him there. Dammit!
Round 4: Aramis Ramirez, decent when he’s been in the lineup, but now his back is acting up, as it did during spring training, that it’s still lingering sucks. DAMMIT.
Round 5: Curtis Granderson, we cool.
Round 6: Stephen Drew, see Granderson, Curtis
Round 7: Garrett Atkins, he’s CONSTANTLY at-bat with men on base and he’s constantly hitting pop-flys and weak groundouts. STOP SUCKING SO YOU CAN GET TRADED TO A CONTENDER AND DRIVE IN RBIS.
Round 8: Jermaine Dye, we cool too, but I wish I drafted any of 7 pitchers instead of you, now no one wants to trade for you, even though you’re a near LOCK for 35 hrs and 90+ rbis. DAMMIT.
Then there is my pitching, everyone sucks. When they don’t suck, they don’t get close to a win.
Also, I have 4 starters tonight and otherwise rarely have any pitching.
My team currently has 28 points and the second-to-last place team has 54. I keep bleeding points no matter what happens.
Also, is it ridiculous to ask ANY of my THREE closers to SAVE A GODDAMN GAME. What the fuck! Jose Valverde probably won’t get any saves all season. Joel Hanrahan is good at the “non-save situation multiple runs allowed” outing, but also can’t sniff a save situation. Then there is Kevin Gregg who apparently feels it’s not a good outing unless he can give up at least 2 runs and blow the game.
I hate everything. Throw in one of my other teams which nose-dived from First to last in 2 days and now just sits there, pathetic.
PLUS, the Red Sox are the worst right now. I hate everything. Baseball hates me.
Does anyone know the rules of cricket, I’m switching sports.
I Truly Have No Life 