Posts Tagged ‘Hatteberg IS Chriss Angel’

There should be a sub-header reading, “That I Hate More Than Anyone Should,” because it’s true. Just watching baseball for what it is, certain managers stick out in one’s mind: Ozzie Guillen, Tony Larussa, Don Baylor…

But concerning fantasy baseball, there is a certain kind of coach that can single-handedly destroy a fantasy season. Cases in point:

Dusty Baker.

Hello. I feast on young pitcher’s arms and young hitter’s natural swings and offensive tendencies. If necessary, Baker will break his own son’s arm off at the elbow if it means one more meaningless inning pitched. I don’t have photoshop yet, but such an image will exist soon.

Newest victim: Edinson Volquez has been pitched into the ground recently, at the ripe old age of 24. Estimated time of arm problems: Eh, I’d say in about 3-4 months we start hearing about a “a slight tweak in the elbow.” At that point, Dusty will be in ecstasy at the mere collision of the words “tweak” and “elbow” in a single sentence.

Sign of Insanity: Of Joey Votto, the sweet-swinging rookie first baseman’s patience at the plate:

On Votto: “He needs to swing some more. I talked to him about that. Strikeouts aren’t the only criteria. I’d like to see him more aggressive.”

“A lot of this on-base percentage is taking away the aggressiveness of some young kids. Most of the time you’ve got to put handcuffs on a young to keep him from swinging.”

He needs to be more aggressive, but he shouldn’t strike out. On base percentage makes young hitters worse. Young hitters are usually terrible because they are too aggressive.

This is a logical breakdown of Dusty’s quote. He ascertained that by forcing Joey Votto to “be more aggressive,” he would in turn change Votto from the wonderful, patient, powerful hitter he is into a young, typically over-swinging piece of garbage. All of this makes sense when you remember that Dusty Baker’s head is empty, and at night Scott Hatteberg shrinks himself and his spaceship to a minute speck. He flies in Dusty’s brain and reminds him how much he loves veterans and the intangibles they bring to the game. How else could this even make a freaking lick of sense?

Ned Yost

Hi, I’m Ned and I’ve enjoyed watching the prospects of my Brewers organization succeed in the majors. And by that I mean that when called up, I offer nothing in terms of assisting player development and hope they just “heat up.”

Recent Victim: Ned Yost and his staff have done nothing to help Rickie Weeks turn into a good lead-off hitter. Sure, the runs are there now, but they are a statistical abberation.

Sign of Insanity: When speaking of Weeks’ bizarre ability to score 28 runs despite hitting .197 with a .324 OBP and the rest of the offense dead around him, Yost dropped the following science:

“Rickie’s a run scorer,” he said. “There’s nothing weird about it.”

Fantastic. Give this guy a permanent podium he can stand behind. Hell, strap him to it with suspenders. Yost gives you best reason why he’s a terrible manager in that quote. Stubborn, moronic, unmoved, christ, somehow this quote reeks of paranoia, as if Yost is afraid one day the Ghost of Robin Yount will force him to actually read the stats and gain any kind of knowledge from them.

Also, concerning maligned closer Eric Gagne, Yost elegantly put into words what I’ve tried to for weeks to express in smoke signals:

“I don’t have a timetable. I don’t have anything marked down that says when the 35th man gets on base I start to be concerned.”

Just so you know, I’ll be there when Gagne manages to walk 35 batters in an inning. And I will personally kick Yost in the mouth until he becomes concerned. Ridiculous. How do you really get away with saying crazy garbage like that? When your players are terrible, you should be angry, you should knock things over, and, if possible, you should be begging for an excuse to get thrown out of games! Something, for gods sakes!

“Yeah, he’s struggled a bit at times,” Yost said, “but he was a pitch away (Sunday) that could’ve gone either way two, three, maybe four times, completely ending the game and we wouldn’t even be discussing this thing that I find, pardon me, ridiculous.”

You know what’s ridiculous? A major league baseball manager who’s so recalcitrant that he can’t find a reason to be angry at a pitcher who has lost 5 games for his team. BE MORE CALCITRANT FOR GOD SAKES. There, are you happy Ned? Oh, what, you’re not happy until you murder an animal?

So be it.

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