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Posts Tagged ‘Cincinatti Reds’

Ah, nothing makes me happier in 2009 than a solid baffle.

Derrick Turnbow, he of the “Once a closer, now a hoser” fame, has been gaining attention from teams interested in his services. According to Rotoworld, up to five major league teams were pursuing him at one point during the off-season. Well, that’s pathetic.

I get it, Turnbow had an off-year, he’ll be cheap and accept a performance-based deal, but this guy reminds me of another hyped up bullpen stud, one Todd Coffey. Remember him? Exactly.

Coffey was supposed to be the Red’s future closer. I drafted him two seasons in a row, each at the tail-end of the draft. It was usually safe to assume David Weathers would not be able to hold on to his closer role if his life depended on it. Wrong. Every time Weathers faltered and the Red’s tried out Coffey, he would be brutalized.

Turnbow had one great season, and then spent the next three seasons pitching like he caught whatever virus destroyed Chris Capuano’s career, injuring himself and then whining about it. Sounds like a great teammate, am I right?

So today, Derrick Turnbow signed a deal with the Texas Rangers, guaranteeing over a million dollars if Turnbow makes the team and appears in enough games.

Implications: Turnbow is like any human being; he will have a decent season because sweet sweet money is his reward. While he will have arm problems somewhere along the line, I see him posting something along a barely sub-4.00 ERA with a 1.30 WHIP. If his strike outs are still there, he may perform even better. Fresh start in a new league will make this borderline-ignorable reliever slightly less ignorable. He’s not own-able in a 12 team mixed league unless you count holds.

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After suffering through a number of serious mental health maladies related to my team and its inherent sucktitude, I’m back!  And so is my team, currently battling for 3rd place.  The league is so tight, that within a week I could probably be back in 10th place, but I refuse to accept the chaos of an unknown future and instead choose an optimistic, half-retarded future that involves me winning the league and/or beating Matt Berry in a Feel Sorry For Me Competition.

Not like anyone actually reads this thing anymore, but a few things have changed:

Trades

I made three semi-blockbuster trades, one of which has already blown up in my face (huzzah!)

Firstly, I was offered Brandon Phillips and Andrew Miller for Erik Bedard and Johnny Cueto.  It did not take me long to click accept on this trade.  Bedard won’t pitch until 2011, and Cueto is, well, Cueto.  Phillips has been okay, and Miller I dropped, but I still think I got the better end of this deal.

Secondly, I decided that Manny had to go.  I believed that his old Manny body would break down eventually.  I had the same thought with Kent.  He’s old.  After shopping him for weeks, I finally received Tim Hudson, Mike Gonzalez and Bobby Crosby for Manny Ram, Jeff Kent and Scott Downs.  Yes, I was raped in this trade, but Huddy’s actually trying to pitch through a ligament tear.  Dude’s a fucking gamer!  And Kent is still semi-broken, and who needs Scott Downs when I could pick up Ron Mahay?  Anywho, Gonzalez hasn’t gotten a chance to close in four years, and Manny has played well (but infrequently).  Hopefully hanging out with Andruw “The Curse” Jones won’t rub off on him the wrong way.

And thirdly, after picking up wunderchild Mike Aviles, I realized Pedroia was at the peak of his value for the season.  He was hitting at a bananas rate, something like .450 over a one-and-half-month period.  That’s fucking hitting.  I nabbed not only Ocab to fill in my SS hole, but John Danks for Pedroia and Andy Sonnanstine.  I feel like time will bear this one out, but I love having Ocab’s steals and runs.

Pick Up’s

I love vulturing people off the waiver wire.  Real good times, especially since Eick and Mattraw pitch a hissy because they “weren’t at their computers” when a new Tigers closer was announced (Rodney, got him!).  A lesson to them: You should always be at your computers, at all times.  Lord knows you couldn’t separate me from this thing with a backhoe.  Yeah.  Anyways, I grabbed the aforementioned Aviles, Billy Butler, Ty Wigginton, and Jerry Hairston, Jr to help fill out my line-up card.  Gotta love the multi-position eligibility.

Another reason I grabbed multi-position players is because I have 3 moves left on waivers.  That’s it.  Three.  I figure I don’t have much wiggle room left anyway, as I’ve been wiggling ever since Yovanni Gallardo and Furcal hit the DL for good.

Speaking of the DL, the Big Hurt just came off it and I’m chancing it by starting him tonight, hoping he can nail one of Wakefield’s errant Wuss…I mean, knucklers out of the park.  Cheap power is good power.

Also, John Lennon did not say “Cranberry Sauce” at the end of Strawberry Fields Forever.  He’s clearly saying, “Paul (Konerko) is dead.”

It’s true.

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There should be a sub-header reading, “That I Hate More Than Anyone Should,” because it’s true. Just watching baseball for what it is, certain managers stick out in one’s mind: Ozzie Guillen, Tony Larussa, Don Baylor…

But concerning fantasy baseball, there is a certain kind of coach that can single-handedly destroy a fantasy season. Cases in point:

Dusty Baker.

Hello. I feast on young pitcher’s arms and young hitter’s natural swings and offensive tendencies. If necessary, Baker will break his own son’s arm off at the elbow if it means one more meaningless inning pitched. I don’t have photoshop yet, but such an image will exist soon.

Newest victim: Edinson Volquez has been pitched into the ground recently, at the ripe old age of 24. Estimated time of arm problems: Eh, I’d say in about 3-4 months we start hearing about a “a slight tweak in the elbow.” At that point, Dusty will be in ecstasy at the mere collision of the words “tweak” and “elbow” in a single sentence.

Sign of Insanity: Of Joey Votto, the sweet-swinging rookie first baseman’s patience at the plate:

On Votto: “He needs to swing some more. I talked to him about that. Strikeouts aren’t the only criteria. I’d like to see him more aggressive.”

“A lot of this on-base percentage is taking away the aggressiveness of some young kids. Most of the time you’ve got to put handcuffs on a young to keep him from swinging.”

He needs to be more aggressive, but he shouldn’t strike out. On base percentage makes young hitters worse. Young hitters are usually terrible because they are too aggressive.

This is a logical breakdown of Dusty’s quote. He ascertained that by forcing Joey Votto to “be more aggressive,” he would in turn change Votto from the wonderful, patient, powerful hitter he is into a young, typically over-swinging piece of garbage. All of this makes sense when you remember that Dusty Baker’s head is empty, and at night Scott Hatteberg shrinks himself and his spaceship to a minute speck. He flies in Dusty’s brain and reminds him how much he loves veterans and the intangibles they bring to the game. How else could this even make a freaking lick of sense?

Ned Yost

Hi, I’m Ned and I’ve enjoyed watching the prospects of my Brewers organization succeed in the majors. And by that I mean that when called up, I offer nothing in terms of assisting player development and hope they just “heat up.”

Recent Victim: Ned Yost and his staff have done nothing to help Rickie Weeks turn into a good lead-off hitter. Sure, the runs are there now, but they are a statistical abberation.

Sign of Insanity: When speaking of Weeks’ bizarre ability to score 28 runs despite hitting .197 with a .324 OBP and the rest of the offense dead around him, Yost dropped the following science:

“Rickie’s a run scorer,” he said. “There’s nothing weird about it.”

Fantastic. Give this guy a permanent podium he can stand behind. Hell, strap him to it with suspenders. Yost gives you best reason why he’s a terrible manager in that quote. Stubborn, moronic, unmoved, christ, somehow this quote reeks of paranoia, as if Yost is afraid one day the Ghost of Robin Yount will force him to actually read the stats and gain any kind of knowledge from them.

Also, concerning maligned closer Eric Gagne, Yost elegantly put into words what I’ve tried to for weeks to express in smoke signals:

“I don’t have a timetable. I don’t have anything marked down that says when the 35th man gets on base I start to be concerned.”

Just so you know, I’ll be there when Gagne manages to walk 35 batters in an inning. And I will personally kick Yost in the mouth until he becomes concerned. Ridiculous. How do you really get away with saying crazy garbage like that? When your players are terrible, you should be angry, you should knock things over, and, if possible, you should be begging for an excuse to get thrown out of games! Something, for gods sakes!

“Yeah, he’s struggled a bit at times,” Yost said, “but he was a pitch away (Sunday) that could’ve gone either way two, three, maybe four times, completely ending the game and we wouldn’t even be discussing this thing that I find, pardon me, ridiculous.”

You know what’s ridiculous? A major league baseball manager who’s so recalcitrant that he can’t find a reason to be angry at a pitcher who has lost 5 games for his team. BE MORE CALCITRANT FOR GOD SAKES. There, are you happy Ned? Oh, what, you’re not happy until you murder an animal?

So be it.

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Ever since I dropped Pedro Feliz, my team has existed as a study of duality. One day all of my starters and closers are shelled.

The next Ervin Santana and Johnny Cueto pitch like men possessed. Cueto was human, but I watched that game; the Cubs are H-O-T-T HOTT! I took a huge chance in starting Cueto against what I view is a great offense, and it paid off. He looked a lot more comfortable, although he struggled in the sixth inning and generally looked tired (not to mention he lost about 4 MPH on his fastball, yikes!). When Derrek Lee is HOTT, any pitcher is in trouble. Kind of wish I took him instead of Sizemore as my second pick…

Anyways, Santana was insane. I’ve been watching his games and at times he seemed completely unhittable. What was spectacular about last night was watching him maintain his poise through all nine innings. He had only thrown 80 pitches through the first 7 innings! Watching Torii Hunter steal singles and doubles in centerfield only reinforced my belief that this might be a break-out year for Santana.

The difference between Santana and Cueto/Lincecum is the defense. Outside of obnoxious rookies trying to error their way back to Double A (Matt Brown, two errors that led to runs in Santana’s previous start), the Angels D is awesome. Hunter, Matthews Jr, even Vlad is a much better OF defense than say, Adam Dunn, Freel/Hairston Jr/Patterson, Griffey Jr. Watching Adam Dunn running after fly balls in left field is truly hair-raising. And if he continues to look any more like a bloated- Steve McQueen, well he better hit more home runs to support my Johnny Cueto!

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Then you should go right ahead and visit this site, where a Barry Zito calculator will tell you how long you’ll have to work at your current profession to reach the zenith that is Barry’s 126 million dollar contract. I’d tell you my results, but a debilitating bout of depression and existential angst prevents me from doing so.

What in the hell in this bastard of a world could cheer me up? How about a picture of a screaming manager that is completely out of context with anything? Okay.

What’s wonderful about this picture? It looks as if Dusty Baker is being attacked by a swarm of invisible bees! What’s more, the umpire seems to have found a remedy to the crisis: By the angle of his leg kick, I think he’s decided to side-arm his scorecard directly in Dusty’s face. Awesome!!!

In other news, Slanch’s team is sticking to the top spot, obviously aided by a weak Monday schedule and a propensity to start his pitchers no matter what. What else could explain his gaudy KO numbers? How about the fact that he’s 50 IP over the limit already. Granted he can easily trade away one of his over-achievers (Olsen, Wolf, Maddux) or shitbag/strikeout maestro Chad Billingsely for some hitting, but whatevs.

I’m feeling for Eick right now. When I joined this league a bunch of years ago, he took the crown. Since then he hasn’t come even close to doing anything. From the start, we tried to prepare him mentally for such disappointment. He’s been in the cellar for quite some time now, and the way I see it, the best he’ll finish is 10th. So, if you have any down-time, check out his blog. At least he can watch his non-baseball hits grow.

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I’m in two leagues, a standard 12 team 5X5 roto and a 10 team Head-to-Head league. Both are insanely competitive (no matter what Shatraw/Cockcroft say), and I find myself taking stock of my teams as April is almost over.

I’m currently on hold in 4th place in the Roto league (despite Shatraw’s ridiculous “Your team won’t make it out of 6th place” claim), and am in 2nd place in the H2H. There, that felt better. Languishing in both leagues out of the gate was not the way I thought things would begin. Anyways, this following quote cheered me up even when I realized that Frank Thomas (who I just traded a closer away for) will be without team for quite some time.

Edwin Encarnacion jacked a home run off of my starter (Gallardo). The same fucking thing happened yesterday when Corey Hart hit his first home run off of Cueto. There should be a term for when your players do damage against your own pitcher. Haven’t thought of it yet.

Anyways, Encarnacion accounts for the only run against my awesome Gallardo, and they go into extra innings. Edwin throws the ball away, which leads to 2 runs scoring. He then proceeds to jack ANOTHER solo shot to help the Reds beat Gagne and the Brewers yesterday. This led to my new favorite quote.

“Reds manager Dusty Baker seems to be more patient with Encarnacion than previous manager Jerry Narron. “I’m happy for him because this guy bleeds internally, big-time,” Baker said.”

I guess I understand what ole Dusty’s imparting, but he just chose the weirdest way to say it. Other big time players who follow Dusty’s new great player guide line:

John McClaine- Spends every film getting his ribs cracked into his internal organs. Gamer, hustler.


Rambo – Bonus points for HGH use, crazier than Dusty.


That guy from Alien – Yeah, that hurts. And also bleeds, which means he’s gritty.

So yeah, Dusty Baker’s a genius and now Edwin has 4 homers in April. Yummy.

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Paul Bako was definitely hit in the taint just now.

Good god. And he’s still catching.

Cueto is getting owned by Jason Kendall. Also, I really dislike Kenji Johjima right now. He just threw it into the outfield, allowing BJ Upton to score from home on a double steal. Idiot. And Bedard was charged with the runs, I believe. That’s wonderful. Only things like this can cheer me up.

PS- I love you Cueto, even though you smell like hype.

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