Posts Tagged ‘Big Time Jones’

I think everyone who spends their time accumulating make-believe statistics has had this moment, which happened to ME of all people last night:

Me: Hmm…Jermaine Dye has been sucking butt this year. But he did hit a homer the other night…but I’ll bench him tonight. He’s probably still slumping.

Reality: Hi, yeah, you should’ve started Dye. He went 2-4 with a homerun, 2 runs and 2 ribbies.

Me: Fantastic.

Yeah, that jonesing occurred just this past inning. What did I receive instead of that sterling line from Senor Jermaine? Well, a perfectly useless 1-4 night from Matt Stairs. Jones.

Just today, Slanch’s team was graced with a huge jones. Based on John Maine’s career 6.00 ERA at the hands of the Dodgers, Maine rode the pine today on Slanch’s bench. At which point he threw 8 1/3 innings allowing one run and striking out four.

That, my friends, is a jones.

In other news, I picked up Austin Kearns. Sounds pathetic, but with the new ballpark, he can’t be this bad. I chalk it up to a bad month and I still think he’s good for 20 home runs, which should help replace Corey Hart’s absence. And to be honest regarding Hart, I watched a bunch of his games and the only thing more apparent than Ned Yost’s horrible manager’s instinct is that Hart is not hitting for power. He’s hitting for the gaps this year, and after one home run in April I’m pretty sure I’m right. He could be good for 20 home runs, but I see him hitting more doubles this year.

Also, I picked up Jason Bartlett to spell my MI slot when Jeff Kent remembers he’s so old he can’t bend over. Cheap steals at MI is always a good thing, especially when trying to replace Him.

I miss you.

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Tonight I just pulled a classic move in our league. Our waiver pool is full of horror shows like Jamie Moyer and Merkin Valdez. However, let’s say that someone’s closer went down with tendinitis, a terrible ailment as it creeps slowly up your arm and devours your soul.

That soul, of course, belongs to chronically half-broken Raphael Soriano, a pretty brilliant closer without the addiction to soothing Jacuzzis, back rubs and the other perks of rehab.

I quickly scooped up Peter Moylan tonight, some big white guy with a goatee who Bobby Cox squints at from time to time.

I hate you, Chipper.

Anyways, he’s got a huge old head and I now have 4 closers. That’s preposterous. You may wonder, where does a lonely man spend the night with two closers tucked under each arm?

Affordable and slathered in butter!!!

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