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Archive for the ‘Kyle Lohse’ Category

I’m not sure what to say anymore. Kyle Lohse should at this point be sucking balls to the tune of a 16.00 ERA and a 9.00 WHIP. Why dear god is he already blanking the Brewers and, what’s that, AN RBI SINGLE in this fucking game?

Granted the Brewers aren’t the hottest-hitting team in the universe (all seven of their normal 2-7 hitters are hitting below .270 as we speak), but Jesus criminy. Let’s see, how does a notorious shitbag pitcher end up with these numbers? Today he’s pitching at Miller Park, so he should be shelled. However, let’s note his pitching coach, Dave Duncan. This guy turned Braden Looper into a decent #4 starter. I went looking for pictures of Duncan, but all I could find was this:
Now you may have noticed a change in Duncan’s appearance, but that can be easily explained. When a pitching coach becomes so gifted he can turn a Victor Zambrano into a Johan Santana, he has achieved Elite Wizard Status. In fact, Duncan is such a powerful wizard he transformed Rick Ankiel from a terrible pitcher to a middling-high-power-no-average outfielder! You have to be a level 10 Wizard for that kind of mage-ish bullshit.

Other infamous wizards:

Rick Peterson


Mel Stottlemyre


Leo Mazzone

Also, after this post I promise to write less about the NL Central. Serious.

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Kyle Lohse is a shitbag. He really is. He was a terrible pitcher for the Minnesota Twins before finding his way onto the Cincinnati Reds. After stinking up that team, he departed for the St. Louis Cardinals, the veritable YMCA of major league teams.

And that’s when the fun began. Last year during the Met’s historic collapse, I went to see a game between the Cards and Mets at Shea. The starting pitcher for the Cards was Lohse, so a victory for the Mets seemed more than likely. Lohse had other ideas.

My dear friend Youppi, a life-long Mets freak, watched his team get NO HIT through 6 innings at least (it might have been 7 innings), prompting him to stand up and scream, “You’re getting no hit by KYLE LOHSE!!! KYLE FUCKING LOHSE!!!”

Now, I love my friend, but this was one of the most absurd pitching performances I’d ever seen. The guy doesn’t have overwhelming stuff, and his last name is pronounced like it should be spelled (Loshe).

Hence my fascination in that he currently BLANKING the Brewers today. Ryan Braun has a single, and everyone’s favorite middling white guy Craig Counsell has the other two hits for the Crew. Ouch. Meanwhile, the Cards have roughed up Manny Parra for 3 runs, with Ryan Ludwick doing most of the damage out of the 5-hole, going 3-3 with a homerun and a run scored.

This begs the question: Who gave Ludwick the right to put up significant fantasy numbers? He’s completely playing out of his head, and that pisses me off. He will regress back to the mean, and life will make a little more sense to me. Lohse’s success is still a mystery.

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My name is Kyle Lohse, touch my baby

I beat the San Francisco Giant! What the Fletch?!?!?!

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