Woof

Ever since I dropped Pedro Feliz, my team has existed as a study of duality. One day all of my starters and closers are shelled.

The next Ervin Santana and Johnny Cueto pitch like men possessed. Cueto was human, but I watched that game; the Cubs are H-O-T-T HOTT! I took a huge chance in starting Cueto against what I view is a great offense, and it paid off. He looked a lot more comfortable, although he struggled in the sixth inning and generally looked tired (not to mention he lost about 4 MPH on his fastball, yikes!). When Derrek Lee is HOTT, any pitcher is in trouble. Kind of wish I took him instead of Sizemore as my second pick…

Anyways, Santana was insane. I’ve been watching his games and at times he seemed completely unhittable. What was spectacular about last night was watching him maintain his poise through all nine innings. He had only thrown 80 pitches through the first 7 innings! Watching Torii Hunter steal singles and doubles in centerfield only reinforced my belief that this might be a break-out year for Santana.

The difference between Santana and Cueto/Lincecum is the defense. Outside of obnoxious rookies trying to error their way back to Double A (Matt Brown, two errors that led to runs in Santana’s previous start), the Angels D is awesome. Hunter, Matthews Jr, even Vlad is a much better OF defense than say, Adam Dunn, Freel/Hairston Jr/Patterson, Griffey Jr. Watching Adam Dunn running after fly balls in left field is truly hair-raising. And if he continues to look any more like a bloated- Steve McQueen, well he better hit more home runs to support my Johnny Cueto!

TAINT!!!

Fall From Grace: Ghost of Pedro

Fun. My team has been in shambles the past week, culminating with the impressive loss of potential you ace Yovanni Gallardo. This is the kind of injury that is back-breaking. And corrosively obnoxious considering the guy only gave up FOUR RUNS IN 20 INNINGS AND RECEIVED THREE RUNS OF SUPPORT. Brutal.

Every weakness of my pitching staff was revealed this past week. I felt like I was alone and naked in the cold dark night of the deserts of time. Also I felt like breaking Reed Johnson’s knee (just watched an hour of “Torture” on the History Channel, included a ten minute segment on Hammurabi’s Code, it was great).

I won’t go in to details, but my team has plummeted. I arranged a quick trade with Eick, nabbing James Shields for Corey Hart. I love Corey Hart. This deal hurt but I got a great Gallardo-clone here with a slightly better defense behind him.

And maybe, someday in the future, I’ll see your nice batting average and steals and homers and beards and mustaches on my future teams.

Also, yeah, I’ve been reading Ball Four. But I need more levity in my life.

That guy HATES Scotty Pods. HATES him.

AND THEN THERE WAS ONE

Pain, I See Nothing But Blinding Pain

Now I didn’t start Jon Lester. Best start of his short career, according to Rotoworld.

I didn’t start Boof Bonser. He gave up a solo shot to Joe Crede through 7 innings. Nothing else. Anger rising.

I didn’t start Phil Hughes. He got shelled. Anger starts to dissipate…

I started Johnny Cueto. Um, I then watched a broken bat single fall in (off of Brandon Phillips stupid outstretched glove), and then Ken Griffey Jr. decides he needs to slide to run down base hits. What? Why? And then he bobbles the ball, and is charged with the error, but all of the runs that came in during said error are charged to Cueto. Great. 7 earned runs later, my ERA has gone up by more than 30 points, and my WHIP has risen from 1.27 to 1.30. My anger is boiling over into madness…

I then turn the television to watch Raphael Betancourt give up a three run homerun.

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By the way, my hitting’s okay tonight. But it doesn’t matter. Tim Lincecum is starting to get shelled right now. Nothing like crying myself to sleep at night.

My life is good. I’m telling you. It is.

PS- As I wrote this post, Jose Reyes committed an error which led to Billy Wagner blowing his first save this year.

PPS - As I wrote that PS, Tim Lincecum allowed three hits and an RBI double. When it rains it pours. Fuck me.

Various, Fundry

Feeling great in all of my fantasy worlds today. I am in first in the Head to Head league (although I am getting lambasted by Slanch’s team 8-1 presently), I’m staying strong at the second spot in our Roto league, and I’ve managed to claw third place out of Tristan’s smelly fingers in Fantasy Golf. Things can go wrong very quickly in Fantasy Land, so why don’t we temper our expectations with a look at Mattraw’s team:

Mattraw has had some of the worst luck in the history of the world (this season). After kicking the crap out of everyone the first two weeks, Murphy’s law kicked Mattraw’s junk in the face. Jimmy Rollins, his number one pick, will have missed more than a month of play due to a dessicated ankle. Howie Kendrick is apparently the next Nomar, breaking himself at obnoxious moments. In a bizarre twist of fate, a player COMING BACK from injury screwed Mattraw, as Jeremy Accardo is back to set-up work. With Matt Capps as his sole source of saves, it seems some deal-making will be in the works for team Ricciardi Montalban.

This can/has happened to everyone in our league at some point in time. Dibbes led the way for about half a week and has sunk back to 4th place, still awesome for a guy mired in last place since, like, forever.

I myself suffered through three or four years of 12th to 9th place finishes before finally using strategy the right way to a 3rd place finish last year (damn you, Cockcroft).

Thankfully, I portend there is no way in Hell that Shatraw can win this league again. Ever. There, I said it. Deal.

And:

Care to feel futile?

Then you should go right ahead and visit this site, where a Barry Zito calculator will tell you how long you’ll have to work at your current profession to reach the zenith that is Barry’s 126 million dollar contract. I’d tell you my results, but a debilitating bout of depression and existential angst prevents me from doing so.

What in the hell in this bastard of a world could cheer me up? How about a picture of a screaming manager that is completely out of context with anything? Okay.

What’s wonderful about this picture? It looks as if Dusty Baker is being attacked by a swarm of invisible bees! What’s more, the umpire seems to have found a remedy to the crisis: By the angle of his leg kick, I think he’s decided to side-arm his scorecard directly in Dusty’s face. Awesome!!!

In other news, Slanch’s team is sticking to the top spot, obviously aided by a weak Monday schedule and a propensity to start his pitchers no matter what. What else could explain his gaudy KO numbers? How about the fact that he’s 50 IP over the limit already. Granted he can easily trade away one of his over-achievers (Olsen, Wolf, Maddux) or shitbag/strikeout maestro Chad Billingsely for some hitting, but whatevs.

I’m feeling for Eick right now. When I joined this league a bunch of years ago, he took the crown. Since then he hasn’t come even close to doing anything. From the start, we tried to prepare him mentally for such disappointment. He’s been in the cellar for quite some time now, and the way I see it, the best he’ll finish is 10th. So, if you have any down-time, check out his blog. At least he can watch his non-baseball hits grow.

But Who Plays Chris Elliot?

It’s Groundhog’s Day apparently, and I’m Bill Murray(Phil Connors). Andie MacDowell’s character, Rita, is of course played by Kyle Lohse. I spend the whole movie trying to convince him that yes, he still is that terrible pitcher from the past. Over and over and over again.

Kyle Lohse has won, again. I just…I’m at a loss here people. I’m not sure if I’m angry at Lohse for succeeding or disappointed that I didn’t take a flier on a completely unreliable starter for a team that some said would lose 90 games. I’ll take the former of the two.

The guy twirled 6 innings, striking out three while allowing four hits and a single base on balls. Why/How? Luck is a strange beast/cruel mistress. My befuddlement is beyond comprehension. Could it really be that Level 11 Wizard Dave Duncan has transformed this mild-mannered scrub into a stealthy, obnoxious Greg Maddux-clone? Only time will tell.

Now, back to sticking pins into my Cliff Lee voodoo doll.

Oh yes, the deal with the title. Chris Elliot’s character (Larry)would be played by Braden Looper.

Andruw Jones is the Fattest Mess Ever

Don’t be fooled by the authorship listed above. This is another piece by the less lazy than everyone else in our league Shatraw. It’s early, but he finds himself tucked into the ass of our league in 10th place. Also, showing once again he can still surprise me, he owns Matt Albers!? Perhaps he meant to pick up David Aardsma and mis-clicked? Meanwhile, my team is shifting from second to third to first by the hour, which isn’t a bad place to be at all. Anyways, your semi-weekly guest column:

Remember when you were a kid and there was that fat kid with glasses who had asthma? He always sat at the top of the slide and didn’t go down it until the kid with the rattail pushed him. But then his fat ass had too much surface area and slowed him down and he got stuck half way down the slide and started crying and snotting all over the slide until one of the teachers came and helped him down?

Well, that kid grew up to be Andruw Jones ‘08.

I’ve always hated Andruw jones because:

A) he was an Atlanta Brave
B) he changed the pronunciation of his first name at least twice — although some historians claim it to have been a dozen or more
C) he strikes out like he gets residuals for striking out
D) he went from being a Brave to an LA Dodger

Let’s examine the catastrophe that is Andruw Jones this season.

Before he drew a walk with the bases chucked in the 10 run first inning of the 4/26/08 Dodgers Rockies game, his stat line was as follows:

10r / 1hr / 3rbi / 0sb / .169

I just farted one of the worst smelling farts in history. My fart took one look at those numbers and promptly left the room, gasping from the statistical stench. I don’t care if it’s only April. That’s abysmal. Here are a list of fantasy hitters on waivers in our incredibly deep league who carry more statistical more value:

* Jay Payton OF, BAL (7r / 2hr / 5rbi / 3sb / .306)
* Chris Coste C, PHI (4r / 2hr / 7rbi / 0sb / .406)
* Ross Gload 1B/OF, KC (6r / 0hr / 5rbi / 1sb / .281)
* Jack Hannahan 3B, OAK (6r / 1hr / 7rbi / 0sb / .185)

AND OF COURSE…

* Willie Harris OF, WAS (8r / 0hr / 3rbi / 0sb / .156)

If this were real baseball, one would have to pay Andruw Jones $14,726,910 for his 2008 services. Let’s break that down. So far, Jones has earned around $2,090,857 for his services (23 games at almost $91,000/game). That breaks down further into: $209,085.70 per run he’s scored. Or $696,952.33 per ribbie. Or my personal favorite: one $2mil home run! What a fucking scrub.

Here’s a fun fact: the above players could have all been signed for 2008 for a mere $7,910,000 — about 60% of Jones’ 2008 salary. And most of that figure is thanks to Jay Payton’s $5mil a year. It’s not that anyone really wants those guys — Payton as a 4th OF maybe and Coste’s Disneyfied “I’m a 33 year old rookie” bullshit might put a few butts in seats — but still…

Of course, it’s not Druw’s fault. His latest excuse is the gem of all gems. It goes something like this:

“Allergies have been killing me,” he said last week. “My body is achy. This time (of year), it always comes in.”

Great, so not only are you fat as fuck now, but you’re dumb as shit. Fourteen million dollars can buy a lot a Claritin, Andruw. In fact, if I still lived in LA, I’d go to the pharmacy and buy you some myself. Then, I’d take it out of the box, put a 3lb weight into the box, fart into the box, seal it tight, buy an overpriced ticket to a Dodgers game, wait 45 minutes to park, get to my OF seat, take the aforementioned and newly weighted box and throw it at your fucking skull.

We all knew Jones was doomed this season when he showed up to spring training even more grossly overweight than has been normal for the last two years. Even the man-boobed Joe Torre was heard to remark: “He’s fat.” And Joe is right. Andruw Jones, you are 260lbs of suck. I think David Wells now has the right to take the fork out of your hand.

What, me hungy?
In other news, for a fun database of pro baseball player salaries, check it.

Battle of the Skinny White Dorks

And I’m talking about Cliff Lee and Brian Bannister here. For those not in the know, indeed, for those well outside the know, both of these pitchers are batshit insane. Before this season, Cliff Lee was that guy who won 18 games a couple years ago. His career ERA and WHIP are 4.46 and 1.34. His current ERA and WHIP? 0.28 and 0.41. That’s completely insane. Granted he just complete-gamed the living crap out of the Kansas City Royals(who were apparently confused when they realized that Mike Sweeney no longer played for the organization), but still, the guy was unhinged.

His counterpart is fantasy darling Brian Bannister, a darling for a different reason. All those Yahoo fantasy gurus (Brad Evans, Funston, Behrens) can talk about is Bannister’s smarts. Is it really such a tremendous fact that a baseball player acknowledges fantasy sports? Not in my book, but that’s beside the point; Bannister is a pitcher doomed to mediocrity. He’s lucky as all hell, and you can’t really play statistics with luck (nod, Dave Bush). His BAA is under .200 and I don’t care if you’re freaking Einstein, your smarts aren’t going to get you by if you don’t strike out or walk anyone. He is no Greg Maddux. His offense is mostly terrible (although improving by the Royals standards), and he is pitching in the second game of a late double-header. Perhaps I’m wrong, but all indicators point to a regression to the mean. He won’t be horrible, but he won’t superb. A perfect example of pristine, unsettled mediocrity. The hits will come, my friend, the hits will come.

So yeah, I wrote most of this last night as I watched Bannister get knocked out of the game late. Still, he pitched pretty well. I won’t go near him though. I’d rather have Einstein and his filthy 12-5 hammer!