Hey, it’s me again, Paulie! Remember when you drafted me at the end the 10th round this season, expecting 30 homers and a 100 ribby campaign?

Keep dreaming sucker.

You’ll be lucky to get 20 home runs out of me, because I am a chump. All you will hear this season is whining: “My wrist hurts,” or, “Thome steals all my RBI’s,” or, “I’m terrible!”

And my manager will keep on backing me up, because he is Ozzie Guillen. And we all know that with a couple F$&*s and Motherf$&*ers, along with some good old fashioned horses%^ will help me right my shitp.

And it’s true. I’ve hit my peak, and I have finally transformed into my true form:<

Hi, I’m Bill.  I’m the ignoramus who signed Carlos Silva to a FOUR YEAR 48 MILLION DOLLAR deal.  To give you a better idea of why I should be fired and take my terrible manager with me, we’ll play a game. For every point that Bavasi or the Mariners players attain, the more blame goes their way.

Carlos Silva

Career Line:

IP: 1022
K: 423
H: 1221
ERA: 4.44
WHIP: 1.38
BAA: .300

Notice the 200 hits more than innings pitched! Also, the sparkling .300 Batting Average Against! That’s not a typo. In his major league career, Carlos Silva has let ALL of his opponents bat .300 against him. That’s an awful number. Almost impossible to ignore. Bavasi apparently did. To the tune of 12 million dollars a year. A terrible signing bested only by The Incomparable Sabean and Zito the Great.

Score: Bavasi 1, Mariners 0

Richie Sexson

Need some good old power hitting? Look no further than…sorry, scratch that, look further, look into the fucking solar system, look anywhere but at Richie Sexson. He has been putrid, and the fact that Seattle couldn’t land another power bat to platoon with Sexson (or mercifully end his career with a vicious knee-cap Kerrigan-style) says something about Bavasi. In plain English, he and his staff cannot address inherent flaws in the Mariner’s offense, even with a 117 million dollar payroll. Why else would Jose Vidro be batting clean-up or 5th on any planet on any team in the world-o-sphere? Points for Bavasi and the Mariners, as a point can be made that Sexson should be playing better than a dog with three legs.

Score: Bavasi 2, Mariners 1

Erik Bedard

He’s on my team, I know the pain he brings to the table. Is he hurt? Maybe? The Mariner’s ain’t sayin’ squat, so my guess is as good as yours. One start he’s untouchable, the next he’s the kid from Rookie of the Year Pre-Injury/Post-Recovery of Normal Skill Set. He’s like Oliver Perez Lite. Points against the Mariners, simply because Bedard was supposed to be my ace this year.

Score: Bavasi 2, Mariners 2

Jarrod Washburn, Miguel Batista

Really? These guys are still pitching professionally? Really? Why/How? This has got to be all Bavasi. This reads as a bad joke, so there’s no use in trying. Two points for Bavasi for each horrible veteran starter retained.

Score: Bavasi 4, Mariners 2

John McLaren

His managing skills are Yost-like. Also, he waited until the Mariners were 18 1/2 games behind the Los Angeles Angel of Anaheim of Greater Disneyworldland to scream at his team. Puzzled? Count me in. If you are TEN games back, I believe every last one of your players should be sent from the stadium in tears. Especially Carlos Silva and Richie Sexson. Too little too late, McLaren. You’re more useless than Bob Geren.

Score: Bavasi 5, Mariners 2

For the last two weeks, my team has been awful. I am not over-analyzing the situation, mind you. Hitters don’t hit, pitchers are demolished, sanity lessens its icy grip on my brain. Enjoy as I sum up May so far:

-Raphael Betancourt is horrible. He has the stuff, but he simply DOES NOT HAVE THE MENTAL CAPACITY TO CLOSE GAMES. He is basically the “Village Idiot” of closers. 10.13 ERA and 1.88 WHIP. Over ten innings. Combined with the next nutjob, I have some serious uphill climbing to do in pitching categories.

-Johnny Cueto was absolutely demolished last month to the tune of a 6.95 ERA and 1.55 WHIP. Do you know what 32.1 innings of that garbage does to a person’s season long chances of finishing with a sub-4.00 ERA? It kicks those chances nuts right in the face. Thanks Johnny, for headcase number two on my staff

-Boof Bonser. 16 ER in 14 innings. Enough said. Except for that’s its sad to watch a grown man get humiliated like that on live television.

-Jeff Kent is currently riding a saucy 6-43 in the month of May hot streak, and if he keeps this up I’ll have Dibbes crack me in the head with a sock full of quarters.

-Paul Konerko/Frank Thomas are a terrible doppleganger of bad BA and ZERO power. It’ll probably get better in about 2 weeks, but by that time I will have driven a bus into an ocean of fire.

-I didn’t start Mike Napoli yesterday, and he promptly hit 2 homeruns with 3 runs and 5 rbis. Fantastic.

-Rafael Furcal has a little back injury. Good thing back injuries are never a long-term concern. Phew!

-My team basically loses a huge chunk of offense in one fell swoop. I pick up Jason Bartlett thinking his terrible hitting was due to progress, but it stayed regressed, and the day after I dropped him he collected 4 hits. That’s the same amount of hits he collected for me in 22 at-bats. Fantastic.

-the middle relievers I picked up were shelled. Guillermo Mota had a legitimate shot at closing for the Brewers and perhaps decimated his chances for the season by allowing 3 runs and taking the loss. Dan Wheeler was killed by Ryan Ludwick, who hit two homeruns on TWO PITCHES in separate games.

That is not coincidence, as I own Ludwick. It’s just a case-in-point of how dark and truly spiteful the fantasy world can get. The amount of times my own pitching has killed my own offense, and vice versa, is countless. Well, that and it would be sad if I counted shit like that.

Thanks big 4 pitching (Bedard, Lincecum, Shields, E. Santana). Without you guys, I would be in last place for good. Brutal.

Some may think I’m crazy, but I’m not. My fantasy season is essentially over. In the only league that matters, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.

Hmm, perhaps I’m being a little too dramatic here, but enjoy these little factoids:

1. Out of the 27 players I drafted, only 19 remain.

2. Of those 19 players, 4 have spent time on the DL.

3. I own Paul Konerko, Jeff Kent AND Frank Thomas, all aging morons who seemingly can’t hit out of a wet paper bag.

4. Raphael Betancourt now owns a 6.38 ERA and 1.47 WHIP in 16 innings. I drafted him to keep my ratios DOWN.

5. Every time James Shields throws a complete game, Erik Bedard comes back and gives up 8 runs. There is no way in fuck my team will have a sub-4.00 ERA this season (fuck you Raphael Betancourt).

6. I made a moronic trade, giving away the lights-out George Sherrill for Frank Thomas and Mike Napoli. Granted, the offensive contribution from Napoli has been grand, Thomas HAS YET TO HIT A SINGLE HOME RUN. In fact, I’m pretty sure he’s turned into a singles hitter. Barf in my mouth.

7. Johnny Cueto has imploded. Every expert on the interwebs tells me to hold on to him. My head explodes every time I play him.

8. I am excited by Joe Borowski’s return.

That last one really sums it up.

Admittedly, I have a problem, and that’s beyond the idea that I spend my time reading baseball garbage day in and day out.

Ned Yost is on a mission. He would like to be the National League’s version of Ozzie Guillen, and so far, so good. Kind of. How about this gem of a conversation between reporter and manager:

What did the manager think of his offense?

“I thought our bullpen was awesome,” Yost said after Saturday’s loss.

No, Yost, the offense.

“I heard the question,” Yost said.

This is not out of context. Verbally, Yost is the antithesis of Guillen in that respect. When asked questions about his roster, Yost has enlightened the world with straight-forward, gutsy nothing.

Such as:

“Pitch counts have gotten into everybody’s brain. Guys make so much money now. You want to protect your investment. You don’t want to abuse your pitchers.”

That is a wonderfully fantastic quote for many reasons.

1. We are not in the 1970’s. We are also not in the 1960’s. Did I mention that we have also progressed past the 1980’s, and, BY GOD, we are freaking 8 years removed from the 90’s! Holy crap, Ned Yost, how things have changed. Like managers caring about pitch counts (which has been going on for how long?

2. Major League baseball players make a lot of money. It’s been that way since, um, Babe Ruth. I’m telling the truth, Ned. Baseball likes money because it is a business that generates revenue. Get it? Awesome.

3. If you can find a manager who would rather have Mark Prior and Kerry Wood than, say, healthy young pitchers whose arms have been preserved, show them to me (Dusty does not count). Oh yeah, Ned, you’ve done a fine job with Sheets and Capuano. Keep on throwing them out there. I wish I could blame Gallardo’s injury on you, but lo, Reed Johnson took that pleasure away.

Yost, if you want to stick around in any capacity, I would say learn how to read your pitchers. Let’s say that Carlos Villanueva is struggling through the sixth inning, barely scraping by and allowing two runs to score. Why would you then trot him out if you have a multi-million-dollar-revamped bullpen to go to? Torres, Mota, Shouse, Riske, hell, bring up Jeff Weaver for long relief. Why do you not understand baseball’s simplest philosophy?

If a pitcher is throwing terribly, take him out of the game. It’s pretty simple. Also, sitting back and waiting for your hitter’s to start hitting is not managing. It’s boredom. Unless you’re meditating to reach a new state of Yost-consciousness, or whittling figurines of Tony La Russa, what’s the point?

Recently, Yost has publicly supported Gagne until Gagne himself told Yost what to do. Also, given millions upon bajillions of opportunities to let his team have it and create a spark, Ryan Braun took care of business for him by swearing profusely at the lack of offensive production.

Sooooooooooo…

What is Yost’s role? He seems more a terrible PR guy than anthing else. This team should be KILLING in the Central division but their pitching, defense, and general strategy is awful. Also, depending on Bill Hall’s near-Mendoza bat and homerun-every-other-week approach will not help your offense.

Granted, Prince Fielder, Ryan Braun and Corey Hart will start swinging the bats better and the team will see its share of wins, but mentally this team will suffer. How many times can you trot Dave Bush out to the mound without praying to Yahweh that the game is rained out?

Grady Little could manage this team more effectively. There, I said it. I leave you with this pathetic, couldn’t-paint-the-freaking-picture-better quote:

“Now that [Gallardo] is gone, we’re going to need a little extra offense,” Yost said. “But you have to let it happen. There’s no way to make it happen.”

HOW ABOUT YOU MANAGE THE FUCKING TEAM.

Never mind. Back to your whittling.

When recently asked by Shatraw to provide his excuse for a HORRIBLE team this year, Eick gave us this wonderful reply:

“No excuse per se. I look at my team and I still think my team is solid.

I think I’ve just been caught in the perfect storm of nearly ALL my guys getting off to terrible April’s hitters slumping and pitchers getting rocked - nearly everyone on my team.

It has to balance out. I think I’m due for a big turnaround at some point, but it’s certainly looking painfully bad right now.”

I’m not sure what’s more sad; that Eick believes his team will do any upward climbing in the standings, or that he boiled his teams awful existence down to “a perfect storm of nearly ALL my guys getting off to a terrible [start].”

Nothing to translate here. His team is currently 51 points out of first, barely standing up at 37.5 points. I think MY team is terrible and I’m in 6th.

You had a good season, Eick. Enjoy Gary Sheffield.

There should be a sub-header reading, “That I Hate More Than Anyone Should,” because it’s true. Just watching baseball for what it is, certain managers stick out in one’s mind: Ozzie Guillen, Tony Larussa, Don Baylor…

But concerning fantasy baseball, there is a certain kind of coach that can single-handedly destroy a fantasy season. Cases in point:

Dusty Baker.

Hello. I feast on young pitcher’s arms and young hitter’s natural swings and offensive tendencies. If necessary, Baker will break his own son’s arm off at the elbow if it means one more meaningless inning pitched. I don’t have photoshop yet, but such an image will exist soon.

Newest victim: Edinson Volquez has been pitched into the ground recently, at the ripe old age of 24. Estimated time of arm problems: Eh, I’d say in about 3-4 months we start hearing about a “a slight tweak in the elbow.” At that point, Dusty will be in ecstasy at the mere collision of the words “tweak” and “elbow” in a single sentence.

Sign of Insanity: Of Joey Votto, the sweet-swinging rookie first baseman’s patience at the plate:

On Votto: “He needs to swing some more. I talked to him about that. Strikeouts aren’t the only criteria. I’d like to see him more aggressive.”

“A lot of this on-base percentage is taking away the aggressiveness of some young kids. Most of the time you’ve got to put handcuffs on a young to keep him from swinging.”

He needs to be more aggressive, but he shouldn’t strike out. On base percentage makes young hitters worse. Young hitters are usually terrible because they are too aggressive.

This is a logical breakdown of Dusty’s quote. He ascertained that by forcing Joey Votto to “be more aggressive,” he would in turn change Votto from the wonderful, patient, powerful hitter he is into a young, typically over-swinging piece of garbage. All of this makes sense when you remember that Dusty Baker’s head is empty, and at night Scott Hatteberg shrinks himself and his spaceship to a minute speck. He flies in Dusty’s brain and reminds him how much he loves veterans and the intangibles they bring to the game. How else could this even make a freaking lick of sense?

Ned Yost

Hi, I’m Ned and I’ve enjoyed watching the prospects of my Brewers organization succeed in the majors. And by that I mean that when called up, I offer nothing in terms of assisting player development and hope they just “heat up.”

Recent Victim: Ned Yost and his staff have done nothing to help Rickie Weeks turn into a good lead-off hitter. Sure, the runs are there now, but they are a statistical abberation.

Sign of Insanity: When speaking of Weeks’ bizarre ability to score 28 runs despite hitting .197 with a .324 OBP and the rest of the offense dead around him, Yost dropped the following science:

“Rickie’s a run scorer,” he said. “There’s nothing weird about it.”

Fantastic. Give this guy a permanent podium he can stand behind. Hell, strap him to it with suspenders. Yost gives you best reason why he’s a terrible manager in that quote. Stubborn, moronic, unmoved, christ, somehow this quote reeks of paranoia, as if Yost is afraid one day the Ghost of Robin Yount will force him to actually read the stats and gain any kind of knowledge from them.

Also, concerning maligned closer Eric Gagne, Yost elegantly put into words what I’ve tried to for weeks to express in smoke signals:

“I don’t have a timetable. I don’t have anything marked down that says when the 35th man gets on base I start to be concerned.”

Just so you know, I’ll be there when Gagne manages to walk 35 batters in an inning. And I will personally kick Yost in the mouth until he becomes concerned. Ridiculous. How do you really get away with saying crazy garbage like that? When your players are terrible, you should be angry, you should knock things over, and, if possible, you should be begging for an excuse to get thrown out of games! Something, for gods sakes!

“Yeah, he’s struggled a bit at times,” Yost said, “but he was a pitch away (Sunday) that could’ve gone either way two, three, maybe four times, completely ending the game and we wouldn’t even be discussing this thing that I find, pardon me, ridiculous.”

You know what’s ridiculous? A major league baseball manager who’s so recalcitrant that he can’t find a reason to be angry at a pitcher who has lost 5 games for his team. BE MORE CALCITRANT FOR GOD SAKES. There, are you happy Ned? Oh, what, you’re not happy until you murder an animal?

So be it.

I hardly knew ye.

It’s me, the Mean, the Average, Reality. I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for about a month and a half now, and I’m glad we finally touched base. Now remember: You are a scrubby pitcher and no longer will you grace Shatraw’s team with respectable statistics. Just remember who you are and be true to that. There’s no sense in over-achieving, especially when I do not reap the benefits. Now, back to swimming in my swimming pool full of fantasy dollars.

I think everyone who spends their time accumulating make-believe statistics has had this moment, which happened to ME of all people last night:

Me: Hmm…Jermaine Dye has been sucking butt this year. But he did hit a homer the other night…but I’ll bench him tonight. He’s probably still slumping.

Reality: Hi, yeah, you should’ve started Dye. He went 2-4 with a homerun, 2 runs and 2 ribbies.

Me: Fantastic.

Yeah, that jonesing occurred just this past inning. What did I receive instead of that sterling line from Senor Jermaine? Well, a perfectly useless 1-4 night from Matt Stairs. Jones.

Just today, Slanch’s team was graced with a huge jones. Based on John Maine’s career 6.00 ERA at the hands of the Dodgers, Maine rode the pine today on Slanch’s bench. At which point he threw 8 1/3 innings allowing one run and striking out four.

That, my friends, is a jones.

In other news, I picked up Austin Kearns. Sounds pathetic, but with the new ballpark, he can’t be this bad. I chalk it up to a bad month and I still think he’s good for 20 home runs, which should help replace Corey Hart’s absence. And to be honest regarding Hart, I watched a bunch of his games and the only thing more apparent than Ned Yost’s horrible manager’s instinct is that Hart is not hitting for power. He’s hitting for the gaps this year, and after one home run in April I’m pretty sure I’m right. He could be good for 20 home runs, but I see him hitting more doubles this year.

Also, I picked up Jason Bartlett to spell my MI slot when Jeff Kent remembers he’s so old he can’t bend over. Cheap steals at MI is always a good thing, especially when trying to replace Him.

I miss you.