Cast of Characters

During my sophomore year in post-high school educations, some friends invited me into a fantasy baseball league. I had always been a closet statistics freak (which makes no sense, as I failed math in high school), so I of course was down. Something like five years later, and I have a new holiday (DRAFT DAY BABY), new friends, and bitter enemies (see: Menaker). I realize that without properly introducing anyone to our league, you’d never know who the F I’m talking about.

Cockcroft the Commish: He started the league with an assortment of friends, and watched as wave after wave of fresh talent entered his league to challenge for the throne. Not the Tristan of ESPN, mind you, but connections to the expert remain. He won a while ago, and contends to this day that he beat Eick in ‘02. He has recently met with bad luck, to the point of considering his team as an utter failure this year already. There is still hope!

Eick: Where can I even start? Eick has always been in this league, and has always been at the center of controversy, whether it’s maintaining his ‘02 victory over Cockcroft or defending his horrific trade offers. Completely hilarious, affable, yet incredibly grating, Eick is a study of humanity’s inner-conflicts. And his team is in last place. Hilarious.

Tristan: No one is crazier about baseball than Tristan. No one. I can spout off ridiculous stats off the top of my head, but Tristan can tell you who started at second base on April 9th, 1986. Yet, with all of the promise he’s shown, but can never seem to build that winning team. Luck hates Tristan, and Tristan hates luck.

Shatraw: Angry, belligerent, paranoid, and yet you still want to hug the big galoot. Shatraw has DOMINATED this league for the past three seasons, drafting amazingly deep and lucky year after year. He snatched victory from my palsied hands last season, and I will never forgive him for it. Also, if you get him drunk, he will talk about David Bowie FOREVER. And then he’ll forget his strength and accidentally knock your shoulder out of its socket trying to convince you that the “Candidate” B-side is better than the album version. Fun.

Zegen: Seemingly always in the middle of things, he is the last individual to win the league before Shatraw went all Ottoman on our asses. Content on filling his team with over-valued Yankees, Zegen’s soft spot for overpaid white hustlers like Jeter and Cano has finally come back to slap him in the face (with one hundred dollar bills, mind you).

Slanch: Snarky with a touch of real honest-to-God awkwardness, Slanch is “that guy” at the party who questions your sexuality, hits on your girlfriend, and then forces you to implement a 30 foot smoking apparatus. His teams are usually mired in the nebulous 4th-8th place ether, but this year he has come on strong. I don’t think there’s more to say, as I’ve defined Slanch better than I ever will in that first sentence.

Lucas: Always seems to field a good team of bashers, and like Slanch, covets Tim Wakefield more than anyone should. Something always seems to go wrong for Lucas during the season, and at some point his luck will reverse and the league will be his. But hopefully not before me. Gotta keep it real here.

Me: I am freaking awesome. My team is ridiculous. The world is my oyster. Hey, at least I’m beating Eick.

Dubee: Also known as Dubie, Doobie, Doubey, Dooby, and Duobie, he is a man of few words and many pitchers. Known to draft as many as 6 pitchers with his first 10 picks, Dubey’s insane tactics have yet to pay off with a victory. That being said, I should’ve made a trade of Griffey for James Shields at mid-season. I probably would’ve won the league. Oh well. Doobiey’s team is pretty good this year, and I’m currently battling him for sole possession of 5th place. Yuck.

Mattraw: Guy who is incredibly unlucky with middle infielders (see: Kendrick, Rollins) Mattraw has stuck around and promises to make a serious run at 1st place this season. Fed on a constant diet of Rotoworld.com, he lives in a constant panic that one of his closers will go down and someone will snatch up the next Kevin Gregg right before his Traw-eyes. Sober, Mattraw will talk about Bowie MORE than Shatraw (this isn’t seen as a detriment). Get them together and you’ll have visions of a floating spandexed codpiece dancing in your head. Bonus points for forcing Menaker’s expulsion.

Shanks: So heady that even San Francisco can barely handle his mere presence, Shanks joined and has a rich history of drafting Oakland Athletics. Doesn’t matter if it’s Marco Scutaro, doesn’t matter that he now plays for Toronto, HE FREAKING HUSTLES. DRAFT HIM. Kidding aside, Shanks has finally let common sense take over and is drafting respectable, hell, contending teams!

Dibbes: The last to join our league, he has been a true late-bloomer. After a couple years of living in the cellar and being decimated by injuries, Dibbes has turned the corner and is entering into his prime years of fantasy baseball. Expect nothing but awesome from him in the future, mark my words.